I left off last time realizing that action love takes work and is from the Lord. So how did that work out for me? And how is it that a Nun can teach a Mum about being a Mum and a Wife?
Mother Teresa is just one of those women that the whole world knows about rather Protestant or Catholic or atheist even! I, being raised Protestant had heard all about her. When I became Catholic I thought I would like to learn about her. A fabulous book put together by Brian Kolodiejchuk, M.C. called Mother Teresa Come Be My Light - The Private Writings of the Saint of Calcutta, was the natural next step in the process of learning about Action Love. If you have not read it, I highly recommend it!
However, before I delve into her and her book let’s talk about what started me on the road of reading her book. After last lesson and blog called What is After Romantic Love, I started trying to live what I had just been taught. It was at this point I realized how hard it is to give action love and how tired I was physically and emotionally from the past 9 months and all of life’s changes! I asked God,
“How far? How much? When is enough?” I wanted Him to say, oh, right here is fine, Dani. No, no, you’ve done enough, here is good. I wanted Mark to say how amazing I was of his own accord, without me asking for it, as this is how it usually goes.
“Mark, say something wonderful about me.”
“Your wonderful.” Me, sigh, I asked for it, but how else do you get him to say something sweet!? I wanted God and Mark to say, Dani, you are the single most amazing woman to have ever been born! Silly, Dani, Mother Mary was born on the earth!
A verse kept coming to mind as I asked the Lord to help me know how far(I always like to know how long a journey is going to take before I set out on it also, can anyone type “control freak“?) I had to go. Well, not the whole verse, just pour myself out like a drink offering . . .it kept spinning around in my head. What was a drink offering? Every time a drink offering comes up it is in reference to fellowship with the Lord in the Old Testament. When God met with man they generally poured out a drink offering on the spot. Later, God prescribed drink offerings as part of the Peace offering. The offering that was when man was in communion with the Lord. So far I had learned what a drink offering was and that I was supposed to poor my life out like one so that I could be in communion with the Lord. So I had to look up what examples I had of people who had poured their lives out at the feet of the Lord.
First, the obvious, St. Paul. He was the first to talk about pouring lives out in such a manner. He mentions it twice.
Philippians 4:17,
“Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.” I thought about this verse in respect to my life. I’ve read this verse many times but thought as many think, it doesn’t apply. I’m not a missionary, I don’t wander the earth in robes and carry a big stick. So I just read over it. However, this time I stopped and thought and prayed. God, is this how I am supposed to feel towards my family? Is my life being poured out as a drink offering for their faith and service? I should be rejoicing with them? Am I Your missionary to them? The thought was like a record scratching in the distance! How much was enough? How far was too far? The answer is never is there enough and too far isn’t far enough! I’m pouring my life into them as my sacrifice to bring us into communion with the Lord, my loving them limitlessly and pointing them to God untiringly is a reason to rejoice! I will duck tape my eyes open and continually pour my life into them for God! By that pouring I will feel God even closer and who doesn’t want to be nearer and nearer to the Lord!
The second verse is 2 Timothy 4:6,
“For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand.” Well, I wasn’t sure when my departure was arriving but I hoped I had a lifetime left to sacrifice myself for the Lord. It was at this moment I realized that I had been living my life waiting for what I could get from the Lord. Sure my lips said all the right things, my life is the Lord’s, I’ve asked Jesus to take over, I want to be 100 percent His. But I only really meant that so far as it didn’t cost me anything. So St. Paul died for his beliefs, crucified upside down. In earlier blogs I have stated my admiration of this saint. However, more recent saints help me to keep in perspective what is required of me. Not just in St. Paul’s day does the Lord want everything, but in my day too!
So the Lord brings into my headlights, Mother Teresa, yet again! How you might ask. Mere chance, well, chance in light of the Lord, which is no chance at all! I signed up for a Bible Study at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Fayetteville. We would be studying the Bible and the book I mentioned in the intro.
Her goal was to give everything to the Lord Jesus Christ, her spouse! She even called herself “His little spouse.” That is amazing! I had known on some vague level that Nuns were “married” to Jesus but I had never realized that in their fervent love for Christ they loved Him like I loved Mark. That was an idea that was just beginning to dawn on my heart! My mind understood the concept, love the Lord like you love your Spouse, however, by reading Mother Theresa’s example I was realizing that it isn’t about how far, it is about there isn’t a distance far enough to show Jesus that I love Him and He is calling me to show love to my husband and children that does not exhaust, does not expire and does not hinge on any kind of action on their part. The finish line is death, the path is long and only the Holy Spirit is going to keep me on course. Just like Mother Theresa emptied herself out for the poor to bring souls to Christ! My calling is to pour myself out to bring my family’s souls to Christ. So I join the ranks with millions who have Mother Theresa as a role model and I’m a wife!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
On the lighter side . . .
Okay, I love traveling with Joshua. He is a great travel buddy and gets a fan club every where we go. There have only been a few sticky situations and here is one I lived through today.
First, I had to stop on our road trip to use the lou. I stopped at a gas station and hoped there would be a changing table. I hoped also that there would be one of those fold down baby chairs that you put the baby in while you use the lou. My hopes were dashed as I sauntered into the sour smelling toilet that looked as if the last person to clean it was Methusala himself. So held Joshua with one arm, he was dangling in the air! We were both dangling forward and I peeed with the precision of a Marine Sniper hoping against hope that the toilet paper would be the easy part.
Gas Station owners pay attention!!!! If in the course of using your lou you turn the toilet paper, grab a hold of it and pull just for it to break immediately let's assume that that toilet paper is not right for your establishment! Think about all those poor mothers traveling on their own, we know if we put our baby down on your nasty bathroom floor we are going to have to scour our child! Here are some suggestions:
1)Clean hourly.
2)Install changing table and little kid chairs.
3)Buy TP that can withstand at least the weight of itself.
Evil Swinging Car Doors and other mishaps
I was having a good day, really, I was, until I tried to get gas. It was one of those stations that say some great gas price and then when you look at the tiny print(that print that looked like a dollar sign), it says cash only. So I was raped on the gas price! I went from there to Wal-Mart to buy teething medicine for the wee one. He was in his stroller sitting beside my car when my door swung open and pinched Joshua's fingers between the stroller bar. I sobbed on my knees facing him in his stoller, my face buried, knowing that I had broken him. I explained that I needed to get myself together to get him to the hospital for his broken finger. While trying to get myself together, Joshua was gripping my finger with all of his fingers which had taken the impact. I started laughing through my sobbing. He was fine. After getting the thermometer at Walmart I headed home and checked the reciept, what??? They charged four dollars more than it was marked. Sigh, some days just keep going down down down, thank God for bedtime!!!
First, I had to stop on our road trip to use the lou. I stopped at a gas station and hoped there would be a changing table. I hoped also that there would be one of those fold down baby chairs that you put the baby in while you use the lou. My hopes were dashed as I sauntered into the sour smelling toilet that looked as if the last person to clean it was Methusala himself. So held Joshua with one arm, he was dangling in the air! We were both dangling forward and I peeed with the precision of a Marine Sniper hoping against hope that the toilet paper would be the easy part.
Gas Station owners pay attention!!!! If in the course of using your lou you turn the toilet paper, grab a hold of it and pull just for it to break immediately let's assume that that toilet paper is not right for your establishment! Think about all those poor mothers traveling on their own, we know if we put our baby down on your nasty bathroom floor we are going to have to scour our child! Here are some suggestions:
1)Clean hourly.
2)Install changing table and little kid chairs.
3)Buy TP that can withstand at least the weight of itself.
Evil Swinging Car Doors and other mishaps
I was having a good day, really, I was, until I tried to get gas. It was one of those stations that say some great gas price and then when you look at the tiny print(that print that looked like a dollar sign), it says cash only. So I was raped on the gas price! I went from there to Wal-Mart to buy teething medicine for the wee one. He was in his stroller sitting beside my car when my door swung open and pinched Joshua's fingers between the stroller bar. I sobbed on my knees facing him in his stoller, my face buried, knowing that I had broken him. I explained that I needed to get myself together to get him to the hospital for his broken finger. While trying to get myself together, Joshua was gripping my finger with all of his fingers which had taken the impact. I started laughing through my sobbing. He was fine. After getting the thermometer at Walmart I headed home and checked the reciept, what??? They charged four dollars more than it was marked. Sigh, some days just keep going down down down, thank God for bedtime!!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What is after Romantic Love?
About two months ago, my husband and I were walking around the lovely city of Charleston SC when he turned to me and said,
"Yeah, I think for us our Romantic love days are over. . ." And looked to me to see if I agreed and understood. Funny enough, I just smiled and nodded like I was okay with that when on the inside I thought, "What does that mean?" Does that mean he doesn't love me anymore and is just hanging around because I have his kid? Does that mean he was going to grow tired of me now and come home from his business trips just to see the wee one and pretend he wanted to see me? I shrugged it off at the time because I was too tired and overwhelmed from the career, location, life change that I had just walked through.
Weeks passed and as you've read I went through a myriad of other trials until finally coming back around to this, he doesn't romantically love me anymore? By the time I would have learned what that kind of love was my parents hated each other, so I had to look elsewhere for an example. I knew in my heart of hearts that Mark was right, that stay up all night, madly searching for moments together and butterflies dancing in your tummy at the sound of their voice had passed. I had heard talk of an abiding love, but who knew what that was?
I will point out now, Abiding Love is hard to notice. Romantic love is everywhere, in the movies, on the streets and on the radio. You see it being declared from the roof tops and in lovely ballads and in operas, but abiding love . . .well, not so much! That is that happily ever after that no one goes into detail about. Seeing how God is love I thought I would talk to Him about this mystery.
I find that a great description of abiding love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
"Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Now I had read these verses probably 1000 times and sat in on homilies, teachings, sermons and read books all about this. But do you think ever in all that time I noticed that love is all about action! Never once in there does it say, Love is butterflies, love is easy, love is flitting about on endorphines. . .nope, Love is something much deeper that many marriages cannot and do not touch because they are trying to be married(a Christain institution between man and woman) without Christ! This is like trying to drive a car without a steering wheel! Both are heading for a wreck!
So realizing it was an action verb I thought, well, what action can I take to love my husband? Most of society believes that sex is where it is at, as long as a marriage has a good sex life then viola, they will be married forever. However, that cannot be because sex was made for procreation not love. Adam saw Eve and before they ever touched he LOVED her.
"Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man."
It was love at first sight. So we have to rule out sex as an act of love, as the Church says it is a dandy gift from the Lord and no one would argue that it ain't one of the dandiest, but it is not an act of Love.
So I started researching what abiding love's actions looked like and how I could put them into place. The first verse I noticed was Proverbs 5:19,
"Her love will invigorate you always, through her love you will flourish continually,"
It is like that great saying, behind every great man is a great woman!
How did I invigorate my husband? I pondered this question for a while, when did I make him feel the lightest, morning coffee to be sure. This is getting up getting coffee and bringing it to him while he is still in bed, then we, mostly I, chatter on about life and such. Then there was the cleanliness of the house and being organized. Finally, willingness to travel. I was sure there were others but without asking him that was what I could come up with.
How did I oppress my husband? Telling him all my emotions, God gave us girlfriends for this. I find that I as a woman can go on and on to him about how I am feeling but it doesn't help anything or any situation spouses may find themselves in. Remember, abiding love is action. I realized that I finally understood what the curse was when God said to Eve, your desire will be for your husband. What wife hasn't longed to be emotionally intimate with her husband. We get glimpes of this in such special moments but then they retreat again into the male place that no woman can touch. When we try to force ourselves in, this oppresses our husbands. So, I must remember to wait for the next special glimpse. I also oppress him with my desire for pets. I love dogs, he doesn't . . .this one I did not have an immediate answer for but I knew God would take care of this some how and He had until August 3, 2012 to do just that. There were other things I was sure but these were the two biggies. Making a list of these two areas helped me to see things I should do more of and those I should do less!
Finally, in the day to day, what is abiding love? That was when I found Matthew 25:35-36. This is Jesus telling those who are coming into the kingdom that they had abiding love so they can come in,
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Okay, so I needed to make sure he had clean clothes, food on his table and something to wash it down with. Even when I felt disconnected from him I was to make his home inviting and so on. However, why did I have to feel like I was dying to take care of my husband and my son. That there was nothing left of the original Dani and now not even can I expect butterflies and romance, just abiding love! Even our original way of relating seemed to be dead!!! What was going on, Lord? What was expected of me?
That was when I found it for only the millionth time in my life, Ephesians chapter five, to be more specific, 5:22. I should submit to my husband as to the Lord. What did that mean anyway? Most of the time I didn't really feel I was submitting to the Lord either and He is the creator of the universe so how was I going to submit to my husband? What was that?
I stumbled on it by looking at the referenced scripture in my Bible, it pointed to, Mark 8:34-35.
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
Yuck, so I was expected to die to myself not only for God but for my husband, that was supposed to ooze over in how I related to him and our family. Now before you get your feathers in a dander, I have to metaphorically die, in Ephesians it says, Men LOVE your wives like Christ LOVED the church. How did He love the church? He died for it, His bride! So I'll keep my lighter load.
So to sum up I learned that abiding love is action love and it is from God. I learned that the actions were described nicely twice in the Bible. We have to get it from Him and give it away. Our husbands are to receive that action love. We must submit to them as we do to Christ. Finally, we need to invigorate them! Abiding love takes work and sometimes there may be no feeling behind it but it is sooooo much sweeter than romantic love! No wonder a world without Christ cannot attain it!
Now, at this point you may be asking yourself, what do I get from my husband for all this abiding love? Instead, ask yourself, what does Jesus get from you for His unending and unfailing love, love that WE never deserved or earned and can never adequately return.
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you, and pray!
"Yeah, I think for us our Romantic love days are over. . ." And looked to me to see if I agreed and understood. Funny enough, I just smiled and nodded like I was okay with that when on the inside I thought, "What does that mean?" Does that mean he doesn't love me anymore and is just hanging around because I have his kid? Does that mean he was going to grow tired of me now and come home from his business trips just to see the wee one and pretend he wanted to see me? I shrugged it off at the time because I was too tired and overwhelmed from the career, location, life change that I had just walked through.
Weeks passed and as you've read I went through a myriad of other trials until finally coming back around to this, he doesn't romantically love me anymore? By the time I would have learned what that kind of love was my parents hated each other, so I had to look elsewhere for an example. I knew in my heart of hearts that Mark was right, that stay up all night, madly searching for moments together and butterflies dancing in your tummy at the sound of their voice had passed. I had heard talk of an abiding love, but who knew what that was?
I will point out now, Abiding Love is hard to notice. Romantic love is everywhere, in the movies, on the streets and on the radio. You see it being declared from the roof tops and in lovely ballads and in operas, but abiding love . . .well, not so much! That is that happily ever after that no one goes into detail about. Seeing how God is love I thought I would talk to Him about this mystery.
I find that a great description of abiding love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
"Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Now I had read these verses probably 1000 times and sat in on homilies, teachings, sermons and read books all about this. But do you think ever in all that time I noticed that love is all about action! Never once in there does it say, Love is butterflies, love is easy, love is flitting about on endorphines. . .nope, Love is something much deeper that many marriages cannot and do not touch because they are trying to be married(a Christain institution between man and woman) without Christ! This is like trying to drive a car without a steering wheel! Both are heading for a wreck!
So realizing it was an action verb I thought, well, what action can I take to love my husband? Most of society believes that sex is where it is at, as long as a marriage has a good sex life then viola, they will be married forever. However, that cannot be because sex was made for procreation not love. Adam saw Eve and before they ever touched he LOVED her.
"Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man."
It was love at first sight. So we have to rule out sex as an act of love, as the Church says it is a dandy gift from the Lord and no one would argue that it ain't one of the dandiest, but it is not an act of Love.
So I started researching what abiding love's actions looked like and how I could put them into place. The first verse I noticed was Proverbs 5:19,
"Her love will invigorate you always, through her love you will flourish continually,"
It is like that great saying, behind every great man is a great woman!
How did I invigorate my husband? I pondered this question for a while, when did I make him feel the lightest, morning coffee to be sure. This is getting up getting coffee and bringing it to him while he is still in bed, then we, mostly I, chatter on about life and such. Then there was the cleanliness of the house and being organized. Finally, willingness to travel. I was sure there were others but without asking him that was what I could come up with.
How did I oppress my husband? Telling him all my emotions, God gave us girlfriends for this. I find that I as a woman can go on and on to him about how I am feeling but it doesn't help anything or any situation spouses may find themselves in. Remember, abiding love is action. I realized that I finally understood what the curse was when God said to Eve, your desire will be for your husband. What wife hasn't longed to be emotionally intimate with her husband. We get glimpes of this in such special moments but then they retreat again into the male place that no woman can touch. When we try to force ourselves in, this oppresses our husbands. So, I must remember to wait for the next special glimpse. I also oppress him with my desire for pets. I love dogs, he doesn't . . .this one I did not have an immediate answer for but I knew God would take care of this some how and He had until August 3, 2012 to do just that. There were other things I was sure but these were the two biggies. Making a list of these two areas helped me to see things I should do more of and those I should do less!
Finally, in the day to day, what is abiding love? That was when I found Matthew 25:35-36. This is Jesus telling those who are coming into the kingdom that they had abiding love so they can come in,
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
Okay, so I needed to make sure he had clean clothes, food on his table and something to wash it down with. Even when I felt disconnected from him I was to make his home inviting and so on. However, why did I have to feel like I was dying to take care of my husband and my son. That there was nothing left of the original Dani and now not even can I expect butterflies and romance, just abiding love! Even our original way of relating seemed to be dead!!! What was going on, Lord? What was expected of me?
That was when I found it for only the millionth time in my life, Ephesians chapter five, to be more specific, 5:22. I should submit to my husband as to the Lord. What did that mean anyway? Most of the time I didn't really feel I was submitting to the Lord either and He is the creator of the universe so how was I going to submit to my husband? What was that?
I stumbled on it by looking at the referenced scripture in my Bible, it pointed to, Mark 8:34-35.
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
Yuck, so I was expected to die to myself not only for God but for my husband, that was supposed to ooze over in how I related to him and our family. Now before you get your feathers in a dander, I have to metaphorically die, in Ephesians it says, Men LOVE your wives like Christ LOVED the church. How did He love the church? He died for it, His bride! So I'll keep my lighter load.
So to sum up I learned that abiding love is action love and it is from God. I learned that the actions were described nicely twice in the Bible. We have to get it from Him and give it away. Our husbands are to receive that action love. We must submit to them as we do to Christ. Finally, we need to invigorate them! Abiding love takes work and sometimes there may be no feeling behind it but it is sooooo much sweeter than romantic love! No wonder a world without Christ cannot attain it!
Now, at this point you may be asking yourself, what do I get from my husband for all this abiding love? Instead, ask yourself, what does Jesus get from you for His unending and unfailing love, love that WE never deserved or earned and can never adequately return.
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you, and pray!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
God loves us too much to leave us . . .
I thank God that He loves us too much to leave us alone, to leave us where we are at. That He is faithful to complete the good work He started in me!(Philippians 1:6) Last week I left off my blog in a state of disconnected pain and anger. The last bit of my old life, the old Dani, pre-Mommy-D had just pasted away.
I was feeling anger at not being able to get another dog and anger at my husband for being okay with that! I had learned in my Catholic Bible study the Sunday before that when you are in desolation(that feeling that God is far away when your brain knows that He says He will never leave you nor forsake you but you just can’t feel it) to keep PRAYING until Consolation comes(the knowing He is right there and rejoicing in all things)!
So I would put my son to sleep, get some grub to eat, then go to my room and get on my knees and pull out my rosary and pray and pray and pray. Until I fell asleep, then I would wake the next day and start again, I couldn’t pray the rosary but I did not stop talking to God. Asking Him why? And when later in the week I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Arthritis, I said, “Okay, God you are in control.” And I repeated that to Him and mostly myself all the way home. What was going on? Why was all this happening this week?!
Finally on Thursday I was willing to give to God what He wanted, every last shred of me, up to and INCLUDING my love for our canine friends. It was then that I heard about Job while listening to the Christian Radio station in our area. Job lost everything of his old life too, job, friends, kids, belongings, health . . .pretty much the only thing he got to keep was his nagging wife, and we know what Proverbs says about the nagging wife! Poor Job didn’t even have a roof to sit on the corner of! (Proverbs 21:9)
I know that I’m not righteous and I know that I deserve death, so I should be rejoicing in the beauty that is this new phase of life! The wonder that is God using me, little old me with all my silly anger about losing the old me(the me I wanted God to destroy so I could be for Him, so I am getting exactly what I prayed for, I just didn’t think it would hurt so much or include Tigger!). That old me, in all her carnality and weakness in flesh had to be fully destroyed and I’m sure there is more to kill. When I get angry about things in my life that aren’t going the way I planned and I want to think in my mind and heart and sometimes be dumb enough to say in my outloud voice, okay, I most always am dumb enough to say it in my outloud voice, I should rememberJob 42:3:
“Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.“
When I remember it, I should be silent!
God is not finished with me, there will be more squeezing, but may I take it on my knees! May I recognize immediately the guiding hand of the Lord and give Him ALL of me, even the bits I think He doesn’t care about. Someday, God will give me another puppy, just like He restored to Job all that he lost. Someday, Mark and I will be able to live in the same house on a day to day basis, someday we will find the place that God wants us to be together for a while and raise our babies together.
But right now, we are Job, sitting in the beautiful place of dust that we don’t see the beauty of sometimes because we are longing for the life that was before, when we knew and understood what we were and where we were. Just like Job we cannot fathom the beauty of the life God is going to bless us with after the pit of dust. I think Job’s wife even stopped nagging! May God continue to show me the beauty of the dust I sit in and not leave me unfinished!
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and Pray!
I was feeling anger at not being able to get another dog and anger at my husband for being okay with that! I had learned in my Catholic Bible study the Sunday before that when you are in desolation(that feeling that God is far away when your brain knows that He says He will never leave you nor forsake you but you just can’t feel it) to keep PRAYING until Consolation comes(the knowing He is right there and rejoicing in all things)!
So I would put my son to sleep, get some grub to eat, then go to my room and get on my knees and pull out my rosary and pray and pray and pray. Until I fell asleep, then I would wake the next day and start again, I couldn’t pray the rosary but I did not stop talking to God. Asking Him why? And when later in the week I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Arthritis, I said, “Okay, God you are in control.” And I repeated that to Him and mostly myself all the way home. What was going on? Why was all this happening this week?!
Finally on Thursday I was willing to give to God what He wanted, every last shred of me, up to and INCLUDING my love for our canine friends. It was then that I heard about Job while listening to the Christian Radio station in our area. Job lost everything of his old life too, job, friends, kids, belongings, health . . .pretty much the only thing he got to keep was his nagging wife, and we know what Proverbs says about the nagging wife! Poor Job didn’t even have a roof to sit on the corner of! (Proverbs 21:9)
I know that I’m not righteous and I know that I deserve death, so I should be rejoicing in the beauty that is this new phase of life! The wonder that is God using me, little old me with all my silly anger about losing the old me(the me I wanted God to destroy so I could be for Him, so I am getting exactly what I prayed for, I just didn’t think it would hurt so much or include Tigger!). That old me, in all her carnality and weakness in flesh had to be fully destroyed and I’m sure there is more to kill. When I get angry about things in my life that aren’t going the way I planned and I want to think in my mind and heart and sometimes be dumb enough to say in my outloud voice, okay, I most always am dumb enough to say it in my outloud voice, I should rememberJob 42:3:
“Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.“
When I remember it, I should be silent!
God is not finished with me, there will be more squeezing, but may I take it on my knees! May I recognize immediately the guiding hand of the Lord and give Him ALL of me, even the bits I think He doesn’t care about. Someday, God will give me another puppy, just like He restored to Job all that he lost. Someday, Mark and I will be able to live in the same house on a day to day basis, someday we will find the place that God wants us to be together for a while and raise our babies together.
But right now, we are Job, sitting in the beautiful place of dust that we don’t see the beauty of sometimes because we are longing for the life that was before, when we knew and understood what we were and where we were. Just like Job we cannot fathom the beauty of the life God is going to bless us with after the pit of dust. I think Job’s wife even stopped nagging! May God continue to show me the beauty of the dust I sit in and not leave me unfinished!
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and Pray!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Daydreaming should not happen!
I loved day dreaming and I used to do it often. You know, thinking about that place in our never too distant future where all things will converge to perfection. Funny enough, I’ve never attained it and I know that the treacherous 2007-2008-2009 that I have walked through has helped me to learn that. I have stopped day dreaming, unless it is about heaven and how awesome that is going to be . . .
I also knew that Mark and I would have struggles when we came back together full time. We haven’t come back together full time but even our two weeks here and there have become strained. We are starting to believe that God is keeping us apart because being together would be way to difficult to deal with. We appear to have become sand paper to one another. God is using the other to rub off the rough edges of the other. This was never more apparent to me than with the loss of my beloved Tigger. Mark is indifferent because he isn’t a dog person and that makes me angry. He is also expecting me to fulfill my pet free zone for the next three years, sure it was my idea, but I thought when he saw the awesomeness of Tigger he wouldn’t make me stick to such a stupid idea! I DAYDREAMED that I could convert him to a dog person.
Now I am in the pet free zone and I must be feeling what he was feeling all that time I had Tigger. Disconnected, angry, frustrated and why does it have to be this way? My mind goes to really angry thoughts when I give it a chance. Like, he isn’t even here, why should he give a crap if I have a dog? He still smokes and I should get to have a pet until he has to give up his vice!!! Then I will give up mine! Or this is the greatest thing I like to scream out in my head, why does me having a dog always have to be an issue, God, my whole life never once has it just been sure Dani, here is a puppy, have fun, live free and be happy! Nope, it is always a knock down, drag out, fight to the death and quite frankly I am sick of it. So God please take out of my heart a desire for a puppy, or put one into Mark, either way I don’t care but make it one or the other. But He still hasn’t answered. So basically I teeter between rage at Mark and frustration at the Lord. All because I daydreamed? Should I have known you can’t change a person in ANY respect that includes animals? I don’t know. All I know is that I am having to constantly pray to the Lord about my heart towards my husband and I’m praying that August 3rd 2012 gets here before I know it.
The lesson in this I have been praying about and wondering about. I think it is for me to learn that even if I feel nothing in my heart I have to keep going and stay the course, feelings are not important. I thought I had learned that in the hell I walked through with Mark being gone and pregnant and sick all by myself in England. However, maybe not. Another possibility is to learn that daydreaming is of the devil, but I thought I had learned that already also. Maybe I needed review on both counts . . .
So, until next time, abide in Him and He will abide in you and pray . . .
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Career Change
Domestic Goddess/Program Director: Able to work under high stress with little to no sleep and eating times will be a chore. Able to multitask on a perpetual basis and complaining will not be tolerated, if you feel like complaining count your blessings then shut up. Weak and high maintenance people need not apply.
It dawned on me as I woke on Friday with excitement because it was Friday that this custom will have to temporarily die for me. My husband will be traveling frequently on business in his new job and that means that from time to time I am a “single” mother. Where we moved to I have no friends as of yet and so I don’t trust any one with my most precious Joshua. Sadly, this means for me that my down time consists of his naps, which occur less frequently.
With this revelation dancing in my head I rose out of bed to retrieve Joshua from his, he had decided it was breakfast time. I realized that I was dizzy, ugh, not vertigo. I’ve gotten bouts so bad in the past that I couldn’t go to work, I always hated calling in sick! Then I burst out laughing, there are no sick days in my new job either. Joshua always needs me no matter if I am dizzy or if I feel that I need a break. He needs me to love him 100% - 100% of the time that he needs me. It was at this point it hit me, working outside the home is easier! All this time I was thinking I was getting off easy not working in my old job. I thought I was shaming, as I took Joshua to the changing table to get ready for the day because his breakfast was over I wiped the sleep from my eyes, no more of that today. He looked up at me and smiled and I realized that weekends will still happen when Mark is home. I can have a bit of a break while he plays with the kids. It dawned on me that Mark would also be able to help if I got crazy sick, those benefits mean nothing. That smile I get to get a hundred times a day because I am home with him. I see the first time he coos a new sound, or learns he can do other things other than cry to get attention. I’ve gotten to witness his scoot morph into a crawl and I wouldn’t trade these and the many more I will get for all the sleep or sick days or “weekends” in the world.
People see me now who don’t know me and think,
“Oh, boring homemaker, we’ll have nothing to talk about but kids and who wants that.” I’m not used to this response and the automatic dumbing down of conversations, if they only took the time to get to know this homemaker they would find their assumptions are wrong. Making friends has turned out to be the single hardest thing about this career change and move. I marveled at the fact that I had seen this before! I’ve always loved homemakers because I wanted to be one. As a Marine I got the privilege to meet many homemakers and found them each fascinating in their own right! But I had seen others respond to these homemakers with the same blank eyes and dumbed down conversations. How little the society outside of Homemakers actually knows about Homemaking!
This fact further manifested itself in that when I was changing my career I had other working mothers say to me,
“You’ll get bored, I did! Couldn’t do it due to boredom!” I looked at them with shock, how? But because I hadn’t been a homemaker before I said,
“Oh, well, I hope not. I’ve wanted to be a homemaker since I was 14 but we’ll see.” I had resented the idea of homemaker for some years when I thought I couldn’t trust the husband. But God gave me Mark and I trusted him explicitly! So I was getting to be the career I always wanted with the exception of a few years. My hatred at being a woman during that time ran deep. I read 1 Timothy 2:15 and snarled,
“Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” What does that mean? I am saved because of Jesus and am smarter than at least half the men-teachers this Paul is so proud of!” My flesh roared at that verse, how could I fulfill what seemed to be my calling when I wanted so much that my calling would be something else, to be a teacher! What does that mean? So when my career change occurred I knew I would have to deal with this verse again. I went back to it and reread it, I prayed that the Lord would help me understand it. I read the blue letter bible Chuck Smith commentary on it and was gob smacked! The saving Paul was referring to was not dying during childbirth! Why hadn’t I thought of that? My career now is the most important one I’ve ever had!? I was to teach my son and any subsequent children God blesses us with about Him. I was to be the helpmate of my husband! Why had I longed for a different calling? For something better?! I started to realize that I still listen to the secular worlds version of the meaning of texts in the Bible and I was going to delve into this thought more deeply later, stay tuned for that. . . .
It dawned on me as I woke on Friday with excitement because it was Friday that this custom will have to temporarily die for me. My husband will be traveling frequently on business in his new job and that means that from time to time I am a “single” mother. Where we moved to I have no friends as of yet and so I don’t trust any one with my most precious Joshua. Sadly, this means for me that my down time consists of his naps, which occur less frequently.
With this revelation dancing in my head I rose out of bed to retrieve Joshua from his, he had decided it was breakfast time. I realized that I was dizzy, ugh, not vertigo. I’ve gotten bouts so bad in the past that I couldn’t go to work, I always hated calling in sick! Then I burst out laughing, there are no sick days in my new job either. Joshua always needs me no matter if I am dizzy or if I feel that I need a break. He needs me to love him 100% - 100% of the time that he needs me. It was at this point it hit me, working outside the home is easier! All this time I was thinking I was getting off easy not working in my old job. I thought I was shaming, as I took Joshua to the changing table to get ready for the day because his breakfast was over I wiped the sleep from my eyes, no more of that today. He looked up at me and smiled and I realized that weekends will still happen when Mark is home. I can have a bit of a break while he plays with the kids. It dawned on me that Mark would also be able to help if I got crazy sick, those benefits mean nothing. That smile I get to get a hundred times a day because I am home with him. I see the first time he coos a new sound, or learns he can do other things other than cry to get attention. I’ve gotten to witness his scoot morph into a crawl and I wouldn’t trade these and the many more I will get for all the sleep or sick days or “weekends” in the world.
People see me now who don’t know me and think,
“Oh, boring homemaker, we’ll have nothing to talk about but kids and who wants that.” I’m not used to this response and the automatic dumbing down of conversations, if they only took the time to get to know this homemaker they would find their assumptions are wrong. Making friends has turned out to be the single hardest thing about this career change and move. I marveled at the fact that I had seen this before! I’ve always loved homemakers because I wanted to be one. As a Marine I got the privilege to meet many homemakers and found them each fascinating in their own right! But I had seen others respond to these homemakers with the same blank eyes and dumbed down conversations. How little the society outside of Homemakers actually knows about Homemaking!
This fact further manifested itself in that when I was changing my career I had other working mothers say to me,
“You’ll get bored, I did! Couldn’t do it due to boredom!” I looked at them with shock, how? But because I hadn’t been a homemaker before I said,
“Oh, well, I hope not. I’ve wanted to be a homemaker since I was 14 but we’ll see.” I had resented the idea of homemaker for some years when I thought I couldn’t trust the husband. But God gave me Mark and I trusted him explicitly! So I was getting to be the career I always wanted with the exception of a few years. My hatred at being a woman during that time ran deep. I read 1 Timothy 2:15 and snarled,
“Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” What does that mean? I am saved because of Jesus and am smarter than at least half the men-teachers this Paul is so proud of!” My flesh roared at that verse, how could I fulfill what seemed to be my calling when I wanted so much that my calling would be something else, to be a teacher! What does that mean? So when my career change occurred I knew I would have to deal with this verse again. I went back to it and reread it, I prayed that the Lord would help me understand it. I read the blue letter bible Chuck Smith commentary on it and was gob smacked! The saving Paul was referring to was not dying during childbirth! Why hadn’t I thought of that? My career now is the most important one I’ve ever had!? I was to teach my son and any subsequent children God blesses us with about Him. I was to be the helpmate of my husband! Why had I longed for a different calling? For something better?! I started to realize that I still listen to the secular worlds version of the meaning of texts in the Bible and I was going to delve into this thought more deeply later, stay tuned for that. . . .
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thank God He keeps us growing!
Never Foresaking: A change in Perspective.
How dumb and insipid was I that for a moment I believed that Mark and I's relationship had been intimate before Iraq over cigarettes, beer and swearing? Are those the three words I would use to describe us and our relationship before Iraq? Heavens no, there was morning coffee and camping! There were long drives and the talks that happened on them? Adventures of a million kinds, why had I become so blind to that? Because I was focused on the death of fleshy Dani not on the butterfly I was becoming! Our relationship was so much deeper than that and since coming back it has continued to blossom into that flower I love resting on in the glorious sun! How much I had become so focused on the differences in myself and our relationship that I did not see the beauty of the metamorphisis. I am human so naturally I wanted it all to stay the same forever, no matter how much that would have meant my heart staying hard and closed off as is was back then!
The smack in the head came when I got the first speeding ticket of my life, that I have blogged about previously. When I told my husband on the phone, he cracked some joke about it had me laughing in no time flat. How Mark can always make me laugh! We talked about the ticket and the story around it and laughed at the I wish I could have said that phrases! Then we went on to talk about his day and what it was like. Then we laughed about Joshua bumping his head as he took a flying lesson in how not to crawl forward. We talked and talked and then it was time to say good bye! I did not want to get off the phone, it wasn't like the last two weeks where I struggled for conversation and there was none, it had been a lull. Lulls are okay, they are normal and I have to let them wash over me. Sometimes there is nothing new to share, just a quick I love you and miss you is all that is necessary.
I realized that I had lost perspective. I had forgotten that we were going to go camping when he wasn't on his buisness trip. That we were going to take family outings to the beach to play in the water and the sand. The biggest thing that I forgot was morning coffee. The time we try to wake up before Joshua does and sip coffee together and discuss the night and the coming day. I get to bring him his coffee in bed(he brings me breakfast in bed when I need him too, what a sweety) and we chat over life, love, liberty and the prusuit of happiness. hehe
God taught me through the little sioree with the local swine that I had lost focus, I had forsaken not only my first love, the Lord, too busy traveling apparently. That I had forsaken the sweetest moments for focusing on the lesser ones! Reading the daily My Utmost for His Highest( http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php ) I remembered that as much as God isn't going to forsake me, no matter how busy I am on my travels He isn't going to forsake me when I am floundering in my new career. As He isn't going to forsake me, I cannot forsake the sweetest moments by getting distracted by the hard or uncertain moments of my life!
I love my husband more than words can say and his patience with me as I floundered through this adjustment period(and I'm sure I may flounder some more) just speaks volumes about him as a man! Not only a wonderful husband but a wonderful father, taking care of me and Joshua like we are his royal family, I his queen and Joshua his princely son! I know that he will never forsake us either because he is as sure as the sun! I thank God every day for my family and pray continually for the Lord to keep me on track so I can be the best for them!
How dumb and insipid was I that for a moment I believed that Mark and I's relationship had been intimate before Iraq over cigarettes, beer and swearing? Are those the three words I would use to describe us and our relationship before Iraq? Heavens no, there was morning coffee and camping! There were long drives and the talks that happened on them? Adventures of a million kinds, why had I become so blind to that? Because I was focused on the death of fleshy Dani not on the butterfly I was becoming! Our relationship was so much deeper than that and since coming back it has continued to blossom into that flower I love resting on in the glorious sun! How much I had become so focused on the differences in myself and our relationship that I did not see the beauty of the metamorphisis. I am human so naturally I wanted it all to stay the same forever, no matter how much that would have meant my heart staying hard and closed off as is was back then!
The smack in the head came when I got the first speeding ticket of my life, that I have blogged about previously. When I told my husband on the phone, he cracked some joke about it had me laughing in no time flat. How Mark can always make me laugh! We talked about the ticket and the story around it and laughed at the I wish I could have said that phrases! Then we went on to talk about his day and what it was like. Then we laughed about Joshua bumping his head as he took a flying lesson in how not to crawl forward. We talked and talked and then it was time to say good bye! I did not want to get off the phone, it wasn't like the last two weeks where I struggled for conversation and there was none, it had been a lull. Lulls are okay, they are normal and I have to let them wash over me. Sometimes there is nothing new to share, just a quick I love you and miss you is all that is necessary.
I realized that I had lost perspective. I had forgotten that we were going to go camping when he wasn't on his buisness trip. That we were going to take family outings to the beach to play in the water and the sand. The biggest thing that I forgot was morning coffee. The time we try to wake up before Joshua does and sip coffee together and discuss the night and the coming day. I get to bring him his coffee in bed(he brings me breakfast in bed when I need him too, what a sweety) and we chat over life, love, liberty and the prusuit of happiness. hehe
God taught me through the little sioree with the local swine that I had lost focus, I had forsaken not only my first love, the Lord, too busy traveling apparently. That I had forsaken the sweetest moments for focusing on the lesser ones! Reading the daily My Utmost for His Highest( http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php ) I remembered that as much as God isn't going to forsake me, no matter how busy I am on my travels He isn't going to forsake me when I am floundering in my new career. As He isn't going to forsake me, I cannot forsake the sweetest moments by getting distracted by the hard or uncertain moments of my life!
I love my husband more than words can say and his patience with me as I floundered through this adjustment period(and I'm sure I may flounder some more) just speaks volumes about him as a man! Not only a wonderful husband but a wonderful father, taking care of me and Joshua like we are his royal family, I his queen and Joshua his princely son! I know that he will never forsake us either because he is as sure as the sun! I thank God every day for my family and pray continually for the Lord to keep me on track so I can be the best for them!
Dying to self with out myself Dying . . .
I have given up so many things for becoming a mother. Sleep, cigarettes, drinking(except a glass of wine with dinner now and then), partying, swearing and any other manner of activity that may hurt my gorgeous gift from the Lord, my son.
The change has been so severe that at times I feel like I am watching myself die day by day. I was sitting in a restaurant with my husband and his friend. They were both having beers and more beers and it was just assumed that I would be the designated driver because I'm the mother, the nursing mother so naturally I would be the responsible one. Looking at my husband get up and leave with his friend to go have a cigarette while I took care of the baby I was incensed! What makes him think that he can just assume that it is fine to carry on like he is not a father and like we are not back together again! Why does he carry on smoking knowing that Joshua is watching his every move! How dare he act like nothing has changed? Like our two year seperation isn't over and that our son has not been born. We have graduated into the next bracket of human development, why does he act like he always did? I was pushed to distraction and complete disconnection. We went house hunting and I didn't want to see any of them, I didn't care. What had I come back to? Someone stuck in the old days and this woman I didn't recognize at all and wasn't sure I could be her! Internally, I felt like part of me was dying. I wasn't sure I was entirely ready for her to die but I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, she had to die if I was going to be for Joshua what I needed to be. However, would the man in the smoking pit with his friend still want me, this new me I was fast morphing into that even I didn't recognize? Why would he like me, I was pretty sure I didn't.
I looked in the mirror in the bathroom of the restaurant after I had changed Joshua's diaper. I don't even look the same. My eyes are puffy and wrinkled from not enough sleep. My cheeks had become jowels due to the glorious state of post pregnant weight not coming off but in fact accumulating as perpetual exhaustion leads to desperate eatting measures. My hair was thinning because of hormonal something or other adjusting. My neck even had wrinkles and there are rolls where my beautiful abs used to be. I even feel physically overlooked by my husband and why not? This is what he has to look at! I would look past me as fast as I could.
I sat there in the car as we drove around looking at these houses, houses I didn't really see as I jostled Joshua and daydreamed of the old days. How I longed for the carefree me that I used to be? The Dani that would have been in the smoke pit with her husband joking and laughing right along with him. The one who could tell a story with just the right mix of swear words to make the crowd double over in laughter. The woman who could party the night away dancing and drinking the whole time with her husband and friend. Were we not going to be friends any more? Had our friendship lost its basis? Was it down to a partnership? A child raising survival business spear headed by myself and my husband?
I had tried to connect over the Lord with him, talk about the Bible and things the Lord had been teaching me, but he seemed to have very little to share. There was always crickets on his side of the conversation. This scared me, he was supposed to be the spiritual head of the house hold, was I going to always flounder for a male to talk about the Lord with and scripture with? Was there always going to be no one to excitedly share praises over learned lessons and scripture epiphanies?
So I started just talking about Joshua, I don't have anything else to share. I can only talk so much about the same topic no matter how wonderful Joshua is. I don't want to have one sided conversations about the Lord and I can't relate on any of the other topics anymore. I don't talk politics or people. I don't care about music bands or who is the up and coming singer. I don't even watch t.v.! Dani, pre-mommyD is dead. How do I let her die without myself dying with her?
Who is myself? What did I become while Mark was fighting for our freedom? I love to write and read the word of the Lord. I love to go to Calvary Chapel and hear all about the Lord and sing praises to Him. I love hiking and camping. I love dogs and I love babies! Most of all I love the Lord. That is a good way to describe me, someone in love with the Lord. Mark is no longer my idol, as he used to be. I know that I am very different from the woman that Mark married. And for how different I am, he appears exactly the same as the man I married, so what does that mean?
If Mark seems the same to me and I am extremely different, did I trick him? Get him to marry someone he has nothing in common with but I thought that we did and now I am holding him back. Perhaps expecting him to become something he is not and is not destined for? That is unfair, so I expect nothing. I expect him to remain Mark now and forever. I pray that the Lord gives us something, some kind of friendship even if it is so extremely different from the looks of the past. I pray that the Lord brings me a girlfriend I can talk with about the wonders of the Lord. I pray that the Lord keeps Mark safe and that Mark continues to be the wonderful man that he is and that Joshua gets to spend as much time with him as possible between his daddy's buisness trips. I pray that Joshua's Mommy, this woman I have become meets Joshua's
Father again on the level of intimacy they had before they were called Parents.
When people say that children don't save marriages they are absolutely right. They challenge them, they make sure that the spouses don't stay in the same place or at the same level. But the in between levels are so hard! I feel like I'm reaching across more miles than when I was reaching to Iraq! How can that be? Time and communication and prayer takes care of everything and it will this too but God help us in this level of the game called Life!
The change has been so severe that at times I feel like I am watching myself die day by day. I was sitting in a restaurant with my husband and his friend. They were both having beers and more beers and it was just assumed that I would be the designated driver because I'm the mother, the nursing mother so naturally I would be the responsible one. Looking at my husband get up and leave with his friend to go have a cigarette while I took care of the baby I was incensed! What makes him think that he can just assume that it is fine to carry on like he is not a father and like we are not back together again! Why does he carry on smoking knowing that Joshua is watching his every move! How dare he act like nothing has changed? Like our two year seperation isn't over and that our son has not been born. We have graduated into the next bracket of human development, why does he act like he always did? I was pushed to distraction and complete disconnection. We went house hunting and I didn't want to see any of them, I didn't care. What had I come back to? Someone stuck in the old days and this woman I didn't recognize at all and wasn't sure I could be her! Internally, I felt like part of me was dying. I wasn't sure I was entirely ready for her to die but I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, she had to die if I was going to be for Joshua what I needed to be. However, would the man in the smoking pit with his friend still want me, this new me I was fast morphing into that even I didn't recognize? Why would he like me, I was pretty sure I didn't.
I looked in the mirror in the bathroom of the restaurant after I had changed Joshua's diaper. I don't even look the same. My eyes are puffy and wrinkled from not enough sleep. My cheeks had become jowels due to the glorious state of post pregnant weight not coming off but in fact accumulating as perpetual exhaustion leads to desperate eatting measures. My hair was thinning because of hormonal something or other adjusting. My neck even had wrinkles and there are rolls where my beautiful abs used to be. I even feel physically overlooked by my husband and why not? This is what he has to look at! I would look past me as fast as I could.
I sat there in the car as we drove around looking at these houses, houses I didn't really see as I jostled Joshua and daydreamed of the old days. How I longed for the carefree me that I used to be? The Dani that would have been in the smoke pit with her husband joking and laughing right along with him. The one who could tell a story with just the right mix of swear words to make the crowd double over in laughter. The woman who could party the night away dancing and drinking the whole time with her husband and friend. Were we not going to be friends any more? Had our friendship lost its basis? Was it down to a partnership? A child raising survival business spear headed by myself and my husband?
I had tried to connect over the Lord with him, talk about the Bible and things the Lord had been teaching me, but he seemed to have very little to share. There was always crickets on his side of the conversation. This scared me, he was supposed to be the spiritual head of the house hold, was I going to always flounder for a male to talk about the Lord with and scripture with? Was there always going to be no one to excitedly share praises over learned lessons and scripture epiphanies?
So I started just talking about Joshua, I don't have anything else to share. I can only talk so much about the same topic no matter how wonderful Joshua is. I don't want to have one sided conversations about the Lord and I can't relate on any of the other topics anymore. I don't talk politics or people. I don't care about music bands or who is the up and coming singer. I don't even watch t.v.! Dani, pre-mommyD is dead. How do I let her die without myself dying with her?
Who is myself? What did I become while Mark was fighting for our freedom? I love to write and read the word of the Lord. I love to go to Calvary Chapel and hear all about the Lord and sing praises to Him. I love hiking and camping. I love dogs and I love babies! Most of all I love the Lord. That is a good way to describe me, someone in love with the Lord. Mark is no longer my idol, as he used to be. I know that I am very different from the woman that Mark married. And for how different I am, he appears exactly the same as the man I married, so what does that mean?
If Mark seems the same to me and I am extremely different, did I trick him? Get him to marry someone he has nothing in common with but I thought that we did and now I am holding him back. Perhaps expecting him to become something he is not and is not destined for? That is unfair, so I expect nothing. I expect him to remain Mark now and forever. I pray that the Lord gives us something, some kind of friendship even if it is so extremely different from the looks of the past. I pray that the Lord brings me a girlfriend I can talk with about the wonders of the Lord. I pray that the Lord keeps Mark safe and that Mark continues to be the wonderful man that he is and that Joshua gets to spend as much time with him as possible between his daddy's buisness trips. I pray that Joshua's Mommy, this woman I have become meets Joshua's
Father again on the level of intimacy they had before they were called Parents.
When people say that children don't save marriages they are absolutely right. They challenge them, they make sure that the spouses don't stay in the same place or at the same level. But the in between levels are so hard! I feel like I'm reaching across more miles than when I was reaching to Iraq! How can that be? Time and communication and prayer takes care of everything and it will this too but God help us in this level of the game called Life!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I don't like Bacon!
Jas 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.
Today that verse was driven home for me as I was pulled over for my first speeding ticket ever. After driving away, ticket in wallet I went through a few phases.
For the first twenty minutes I expounded on the Pig's lack of mercy and his complete inability to notice that I was a 30 year old woman, never before cited for speeding trying to get passed a car on a two lane road quickly so as not to endanger anyone and he is going to give me a ticket! I was incensed to say the least and considered from all angles the possibility that his parents were never married and that his short stature had contributed to my getting a ticket. He saw that I was taller and this set him off, he couldn't then just say, this is a warning.
After the initial 20 minutes of rage there came the justifications. Did he not know that I had been on the road for two hours and I hadn't been speeding at all!!?? Only this moment that I passed that stupid truck that had been driving iradically! What was I supposed to do? Stay behind him and put up with his dangerous driving?
After that 20 minutes I moved into, well, maybe God let him pull me over because something worse was going to happen up ahead if I was on the road so I needed to be slowed down by getting a ticket.
Then I went to, well, I was breaking the law, plain and simple. There is no mercy in the Law. That was the point of the Old Testament. Jesus is the mercy, I need Him for my salvation because I'm guilty of the whole law. He caught me breaking it, no matter if it was the only time that day, I had been speeding. . . No ifs, ands or buts. So I simply sighed and said good bye to 130 dollars that my wonderful husband was working so hard for so I could stay home and take care of our baby. God is great, Mark is good and Joshua is adorable and safe. Who knows what might have been and thankfully I just got a ticket!
Today that verse was driven home for me as I was pulled over for my first speeding ticket ever. After driving away, ticket in wallet I went through a few phases.
For the first twenty minutes I expounded on the Pig's lack of mercy and his complete inability to notice that I was a 30 year old woman, never before cited for speeding trying to get passed a car on a two lane road quickly so as not to endanger anyone and he is going to give me a ticket! I was incensed to say the least and considered from all angles the possibility that his parents were never married and that his short stature had contributed to my getting a ticket. He saw that I was taller and this set him off, he couldn't then just say, this is a warning.
After the initial 20 minutes of rage there came the justifications. Did he not know that I had been on the road for two hours and I hadn't been speeding at all!!?? Only this moment that I passed that stupid truck that had been driving iradically! What was I supposed to do? Stay behind him and put up with his dangerous driving?
After that 20 minutes I moved into, well, maybe God let him pull me over because something worse was going to happen up ahead if I was on the road so I needed to be slowed down by getting a ticket.
Then I went to, well, I was breaking the law, plain and simple. There is no mercy in the Law. That was the point of the Old Testament. Jesus is the mercy, I need Him for my salvation because I'm guilty of the whole law. He caught me breaking it, no matter if it was the only time that day, I had been speeding. . . No ifs, ands or buts. So I simply sighed and said good bye to 130 dollars that my wonderful husband was working so hard for so I could stay home and take care of our baby. God is great, Mark is good and Joshua is adorable and safe. Who knows what might have been and thankfully I just got a ticket!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Babies are Amazing!
I have to say that just when I think I have seen the amazing things that God can do, He shows me how much more He is capable of! One would think that seeing the Universe and all those stars would about sum it up! However, in the last four weeks I have watched my son learn so many things, even in one day! God made babies and that about sums it up!!
He is now five months old. He tries so hard to eat our food and wants to drink from a glass like we do! He crawls, or rather inches in reverse. He can't figure out the forward gears yet, but he is getting there. He is laughing at us when we play with him with such vigor that we feel like clowns trying to do anything that makes him laugh! He had his first swim in a lake and doesn't much care for the whole water temprature thing, apparently he is more of the warm bath water style of lake water. He loves his bath time and playing with his bath toys. He doesn't even care that he is in water, he just chases his toys! All this in about four weeks. That is mind blowing. Each day I have started waiting expectantly for something new to develop.
We have been road tripping pretty nonstop since our return to the States and he has taken it like a champ, not just the three flights to get to the US, but hours and hours of car riding. We have started waiting to drive at night though because he is just a very active baby boy that wants to play during the day, period.
Being a mother gets cooler every day and I can't thank God enough for the opportunity of raising wee Joshua!
He is now five months old. He tries so hard to eat our food and wants to drink from a glass like we do! He crawls, or rather inches in reverse. He can't figure out the forward gears yet, but he is getting there. He is laughing at us when we play with him with such vigor that we feel like clowns trying to do anything that makes him laugh! He had his first swim in a lake and doesn't much care for the whole water temprature thing, apparently he is more of the warm bath water style of lake water. He loves his bath time and playing with his bath toys. He doesn't even care that he is in water, he just chases his toys! All this in about four weeks. That is mind blowing. Each day I have started waiting expectantly for something new to develop.
We have been road tripping pretty nonstop since our return to the States and he has taken it like a champ, not just the three flights to get to the US, but hours and hours of car riding. We have started waiting to drive at night though because he is just a very active baby boy that wants to play during the day, period.
Being a mother gets cooler every day and I can't thank God enough for the opportunity of raising wee Joshua!
Coming Home!
Coming Home!
As parents, Mark and I decided that it was time to take Joshua home. We needed to end our time in the United Kingdom and go back to the US. We really felt that the Lord was calling us home. We were hoping to be able to minister to families in similar situations, torn apart by war. I daydreamed that we were going to minister to parents who had to be apart from their children for awhile, or single parents for a while. I was actually arrogant enough to think that we could just jump right into ministering to others with Mark so freshly returned home!
Living in the UK and not at the deployable unit I was not given any briefings about homecomings. I thought that it was going to be just like it always was, that he would assume his rightful place as the head of my household and it would be like old times, except with a baby! It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get any briefings because even if I had, I would have had to walk this road. It is like I have to start all over again! I have to get to know him again and he, I. We have to start at level 0, not the awesome level we were on when he left originally. When we were first married and he was assuming his roll, I was so happy and excited! He was taking all the things from me that I hated and stressed about! Money, I hate dealing with Money! He took care of the cooking, that is great, once I get home from work I’m too tired to think straight, let alone cook with any coherence. And there were other things too, but we had a very good system for the most part. I had thought that the system would have to change slightly due to a baby but I had no idea the strength with which I would resist his return. Everything became a long drawn out discussion. Mostly him explaining to me why and me spouting back why not. It has been so hard and having Joshua only adds to the pressure. Bit by bit we are working through it, but no briefing would have prepared me for my resistance, I feel like a French woman during the 1700s, resisting everything and everyone especially the king! I spend a lot of time apologizing, not talking and praying! The third takes up most of my time because I cannot do this without His wisdom and assistance! I had become very self centered living on my own.
Which leads me to my second item, dying to self! A more correct term for what I had come to have was selfishness. Everything had to be my way exactly and anything less was unacceptable. In my old career I was the lead of my team, as such I made command decisions, period. As a homemaker, I am not the commander-in-chief of my household. I have so far not dealt with this in the manner I suspect a Proverbs 31 woman would have. Proverbs 31:12 says that the noble wife brings good and not harm to her husband all the days of her life. And already several times in my new career I had considered harm! How is it that my ideas and suggestions are not always followed, sure sometimes they are but in my mind I thought 100% of the time was the best. I could see and I am seeing more and more of the selfishness dying in me and I am so thankful for it. Is it going to hurt? Yep, sacrifice always does but the joy is always worth it. When my husband and son are blessed by an action that took selflessness on my part to do I feel like a million bucks, no, better than that! This selflessness has also been making me stronger and I am sure as selflessness increases so will strength!
Strength and consistency seem to be in low supply for women in this world. We either depend way to heavily on the men in our lives or not at all thus creating a barrier. We also love to let our emotions rule our actions. You do not have to look far in society to see that that is true. The country song He’ll think before He cheats demonstrates it clearer than anything else! I remember when Mark and I were first married. I depended on him for EVERYTHING! Food, shelter, clean clothes and dishes. . .the list goes on and on. In my mind, I cleaned the house from top to bottom on a Saturday and during the week was too tired to be bothered with anything else. I helped with some things some of the time but that was about the most he could depend on me. Which meant he really couldn’t depend on me at all! He was a saint and never said a word really about my lack of involvement in anything outside of work. Not only was I inconsistent, I was weak. The slightest hiccup in our life and I would metaphorically crumble before it. I would doubt God, Mark and myself. I would question the reasons why! I would need Mark to step in and it would be the smallest of things. So when the Lord separated us for two years and three months I was sure I was going to die. It was the biggest thing I had had to deal with all by myself. For everything else in my life there was a fall back plan, this was all me and all alone. God used that time to make me stronger and more consistent in all things. My emotions no longer rule me, but I them. I do what must be done in the day to day, even if I do not feel like it. And though something may be hard or scary, I will face it by myself if necessary and I have many times. God was shaping me into a Proverbs 31 woman before I ever knew it! Pr 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. I have a long way to go to be clothed perfectly, I am sure, but I am not naked anymore, thank God!
So, it seems that while we thought we were moving home for Joshua, we were really moving home for ourselves and our walk together and with the Lord. God is using this time to get us back together as a couple, to shape us as parents and to clean up more of me in this new career!
As parents, Mark and I decided that it was time to take Joshua home. We needed to end our time in the United Kingdom and go back to the US. We really felt that the Lord was calling us home. We were hoping to be able to minister to families in similar situations, torn apart by war. I daydreamed that we were going to minister to parents who had to be apart from their children for awhile, or single parents for a while. I was actually arrogant enough to think that we could just jump right into ministering to others with Mark so freshly returned home!
Living in the UK and not at the deployable unit I was not given any briefings about homecomings. I thought that it was going to be just like it always was, that he would assume his rightful place as the head of my household and it would be like old times, except with a baby! It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get any briefings because even if I had, I would have had to walk this road. It is like I have to start all over again! I have to get to know him again and he, I. We have to start at level 0, not the awesome level we were on when he left originally. When we were first married and he was assuming his roll, I was so happy and excited! He was taking all the things from me that I hated and stressed about! Money, I hate dealing with Money! He took care of the cooking, that is great, once I get home from work I’m too tired to think straight, let alone cook with any coherence. And there were other things too, but we had a very good system for the most part. I had thought that the system would have to change slightly due to a baby but I had no idea the strength with which I would resist his return. Everything became a long drawn out discussion. Mostly him explaining to me why and me spouting back why not. It has been so hard and having Joshua only adds to the pressure. Bit by bit we are working through it, but no briefing would have prepared me for my resistance, I feel like a French woman during the 1700s, resisting everything and everyone especially the king! I spend a lot of time apologizing, not talking and praying! The third takes up most of my time because I cannot do this without His wisdom and assistance! I had become very self centered living on my own.
Which leads me to my second item, dying to self! A more correct term for what I had come to have was selfishness. Everything had to be my way exactly and anything less was unacceptable. In my old career I was the lead of my team, as such I made command decisions, period. As a homemaker, I am not the commander-in-chief of my household. I have so far not dealt with this in the manner I suspect a Proverbs 31 woman would have. Proverbs 31:12 says that the noble wife brings good and not harm to her husband all the days of her life. And already several times in my new career I had considered harm! How is it that my ideas and suggestions are not always followed, sure sometimes they are but in my mind I thought 100% of the time was the best. I could see and I am seeing more and more of the selfishness dying in me and I am so thankful for it. Is it going to hurt? Yep, sacrifice always does but the joy is always worth it. When my husband and son are blessed by an action that took selflessness on my part to do I feel like a million bucks, no, better than that! This selflessness has also been making me stronger and I am sure as selflessness increases so will strength!
Strength and consistency seem to be in low supply for women in this world. We either depend way to heavily on the men in our lives or not at all thus creating a barrier. We also love to let our emotions rule our actions. You do not have to look far in society to see that that is true. The country song He’ll think before He cheats demonstrates it clearer than anything else! I remember when Mark and I were first married. I depended on him for EVERYTHING! Food, shelter, clean clothes and dishes. . .the list goes on and on. In my mind, I cleaned the house from top to bottom on a Saturday and during the week was too tired to be bothered with anything else. I helped with some things some of the time but that was about the most he could depend on me. Which meant he really couldn’t depend on me at all! He was a saint and never said a word really about my lack of involvement in anything outside of work. Not only was I inconsistent, I was weak. The slightest hiccup in our life and I would metaphorically crumble before it. I would doubt God, Mark and myself. I would question the reasons why! I would need Mark to step in and it would be the smallest of things. So when the Lord separated us for two years and three months I was sure I was going to die. It was the biggest thing I had had to deal with all by myself. For everything else in my life there was a fall back plan, this was all me and all alone. God used that time to make me stronger and more consistent in all things. My emotions no longer rule me, but I them. I do what must be done in the day to day, even if I do not feel like it. And though something may be hard or scary, I will face it by myself if necessary and I have many times. God was shaping me into a Proverbs 31 woman before I ever knew it! Pr 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. I have a long way to go to be clothed perfectly, I am sure, but I am not naked anymore, thank God!
So, it seems that while we thought we were moving home for Joshua, we were really moving home for ourselves and our walk together and with the Lord. God is using this time to get us back together as a couple, to shape us as parents and to clean up more of me in this new career!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Easter - A whole new perspective!
Christmas this year took on a whole new meaning for me. A homecoming for my husband from War and a birth of our own son. As Mark and I looked down at our newborn tiny son I thought about Jesus. I thought about how Mary felt . . .her first born. A son that God made in her without the help of any man and He was Mary's first! I thought about how she must have beemed up to Joseph as she held that tiny human! I thought about Joseph, what an amazing man to love and support a woman and boy, when he knew the child was not his in any way. However, Jesus wasn't Mary's either, was He? Born for a purpose, born to set us free, born for the cross and finally and most beautifully born to raise again!
I was at a woman's retreat 2 weekends ago and I prayed that the Lord would tell me something about Joshua and his future or just him now. You know like prophets prophesied over babies in the bible, I thought that would be really cool. Then I remembered the one Mary got about Jesus:
Luke 2:34-35 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” It was then that I realized perhaps the unknown wasn't such a bad idea. If I don't know that something about Joshua's future is going to crush me than I can love him to the fullest and not live in fear.
The weeks passed and I watched the Passion of Christ for Easter. This tradition goes back many years for me, about 13 actually. Not watching the one Mel Gibson made, obviously, but various Jesus movies in order to fully remind me how awesome He is and what amazing sacrifice He did for me and you! Ever since Mel made the Passion I watch that every Easter. Last night for the first time I understood why Mary was filling her hands full of rocks and watching her Son's broken and ravaged body trying to lay on the cross. Because she just wanted to hold Him, to tell Him it would be alright that she loved Him and whisper in His ears of her love while bandageing His wounds. But He wasn't hers, so all she could do was watch. God had to do it for He loves us so much that He went through all that to be with us, amazing, huh?
As a mom now I have a whole new respect for Mary. Sure she had her flaws, at one moment in the Gospels it is reported how she and Jesus' half brothers tried to get Him out of a crowd of people because He was talking crazy . . . But Jesus was her son and she walked with Him until the end and was there when He rose again! Mary, while flawed had a sword pierce her heart and I've never given her the respect she deserves. She like the disciples understood more about her Son when He came back.
So I cried before watching the Passion, but I cry even more now because I have my son. He was asleep in my arms as I watched and sobbed over the torture that Messiah went through for me and I prayed that Joshua would answer the door when he realized Jesus was knocking, that Joshua would live up to his name: God is my Salvation! I knew in that moment, that as much as Jesus wasn't Mary's, Joshua isn't mine, I have to give him back to the Lord . . .
I was at a woman's retreat 2 weekends ago and I prayed that the Lord would tell me something about Joshua and his future or just him now. You know like prophets prophesied over babies in the bible, I thought that would be really cool. Then I remembered the one Mary got about Jesus:
Luke 2:34-35 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” It was then that I realized perhaps the unknown wasn't such a bad idea. If I don't know that something about Joshua's future is going to crush me than I can love him to the fullest and not live in fear.
The weeks passed and I watched the Passion of Christ for Easter. This tradition goes back many years for me, about 13 actually. Not watching the one Mel Gibson made, obviously, but various Jesus movies in order to fully remind me how awesome He is and what amazing sacrifice He did for me and you! Ever since Mel made the Passion I watch that every Easter. Last night for the first time I understood why Mary was filling her hands full of rocks and watching her Son's broken and ravaged body trying to lay on the cross. Because she just wanted to hold Him, to tell Him it would be alright that she loved Him and whisper in His ears of her love while bandageing His wounds. But He wasn't hers, so all she could do was watch. God had to do it for He loves us so much that He went through all that to be with us, amazing, huh?
As a mom now I have a whole new respect for Mary. Sure she had her flaws, at one moment in the Gospels it is reported how she and Jesus' half brothers tried to get Him out of a crowd of people because He was talking crazy . . . But Jesus was her son and she walked with Him until the end and was there when He rose again! Mary, while flawed had a sword pierce her heart and I've never given her the respect she deserves. She like the disciples understood more about her Son when He came back.
So I cried before watching the Passion, but I cry even more now because I have my son. He was asleep in my arms as I watched and sobbed over the torture that Messiah went through for me and I prayed that Joshua would answer the door when he realized Jesus was knocking, that Joshua would live up to his name: God is my Salvation! I knew in that moment, that as much as Jesus wasn't Mary's, Joshua isn't mine, I have to give him back to the Lord . . .
Friday, March 6, 2009
Out of Control!
I hate it when I believe that I have learned something, only to discover later that there was a whole new level to learn! Amazingly, walking with the Lord is like a video game. We learn things in echelons. Once I’ve beaten one level of the game, He moves me to the next! Like the character in the game has no control of going to the next level, neither do we.
First, I believed that I completely understood how much I wasn’t in control. I had finally and happily released to the Lord control of every minor detail of my life. The house, my career, my pregnancy, my husband in Iraq, my family in the States. Yep, I thought for sure I was holding onto nothing. Then I held my wee son for the first time. As I gapped at how amazing God was that He would bless us with this perfectly healthy amazing son I realized that he was out now. Out in this evil and destitute world where there existed people who would try to harm him in a myriad of ways I couldn’t fathom and didn’t want to. There were germs that I couldn’t see or fight against. There were cars on the road, wars in other countries and there was a famine in Africa! All the horrible things came crashing in on me and I couldn’t stop them. He would learn about them and see them, he would be hurt in this life - physically and emotionally. There was nothing I could do to stop it. The horror of that realization sent me to my knees(figuratively as I had had an epidural and couldn’t feel my knees). I had to trust in the Lord with the safety of my son! God had given our son to us but we had to give him back.
Secondly, there is that phrase perpetual prayer. Or as it is put in 1 Thessalonians:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:1Th 5:16.
1Th 5:16 Be joyful always;
1Th 5:17 pray continually;
1Th 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I definitely want to do this verse. I want to walk in the joy of the Lord so that for my kids I am consistent and able to help them through what ever circumstance we face as a family and they face as growing individuals of free will. I want to do this verse so that no matter what is going on in our life my husband can depend on me and the fact that my walk with the Lord means I won’t be running from hard things.
Finally, at least for this week. There is faith. I was sure I had it. Not the mustard seed of faith because I hadn't gotten the Lord to move Everest into my back yard yet, but I thought I had a lot. I realized that at the first cry of this gift from the Lord that what I had was no where near enough! I had been asking the Lord to increase my faith since I was about 14/15. I remember my pastor at the time, Pastor Scott Carlson, telling me in one of his sermons that if you pray for your faith to be increased, stand by! The Lord will move mountains and you to answer that prayer. As I had to go to the Lord for more faith due to Mark Jr.‘s debut I looked over the last 15 years. God had been answering my prayer all along. My faith in Him has been growing. I required faith to leave all that I knew and loved to join the Marines because I felt that was where the Lord wanted me. I required more faith to wait for four years on the love of my life, believing that the Lord had meant for us to be together. I required yet more faith when the Lord escorted my husband to Iraq and then yet more to be pregnant and alone. Then finally, as if He placed the cherry on top, He gave me this tiny fragile gift that would demand more faith in the Lord, he would demand that I remain on my knees perpetually in prayer before the Lord. This little one would demand of me agape love and patience, long suffering, gentleness, kindness. My prayer for faith had been answered and was being answered for the last 15 years. I rapidly commenced praying for the fruits of the Spirit to grow in my life as I was going to need more than five a day to be a good parent to our children! I believe that the Lord will spend the next 30 years or so answering this prayer . . .
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Gal 5:22.
Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit u of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Thank God that He is faithful to answer our prayers and thank God that He gave us the privilege to talk to Him in this manner. Until next time . . .pray!
First, I believed that I completely understood how much I wasn’t in control. I had finally and happily released to the Lord control of every minor detail of my life. The house, my career, my pregnancy, my husband in Iraq, my family in the States. Yep, I thought for sure I was holding onto nothing. Then I held my wee son for the first time. As I gapped at how amazing God was that He would bless us with this perfectly healthy amazing son I realized that he was out now. Out in this evil and destitute world where there existed people who would try to harm him in a myriad of ways I couldn’t fathom and didn’t want to. There were germs that I couldn’t see or fight against. There were cars on the road, wars in other countries and there was a famine in Africa! All the horrible things came crashing in on me and I couldn’t stop them. He would learn about them and see them, he would be hurt in this life - physically and emotionally. There was nothing I could do to stop it. The horror of that realization sent me to my knees(figuratively as I had had an epidural and couldn’t feel my knees). I had to trust in the Lord with the safety of my son! God had given our son to us but we had to give him back.
Secondly, there is that phrase perpetual prayer. Or as it is put in 1 Thessalonians:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:1Th 5:16.
1Th 5:16 Be joyful always;
1Th 5:17 pray continually;
1Th 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I definitely want to do this verse. I want to walk in the joy of the Lord so that for my kids I am consistent and able to help them through what ever circumstance we face as a family and they face as growing individuals of free will. I want to do this verse so that no matter what is going on in our life my husband can depend on me and the fact that my walk with the Lord means I won’t be running from hard things.
Finally, at least for this week. There is faith. I was sure I had it. Not the mustard seed of faith because I hadn't gotten the Lord to move Everest into my back yard yet, but I thought I had a lot. I realized that at the first cry of this gift from the Lord that what I had was no where near enough! I had been asking the Lord to increase my faith since I was about 14/15. I remember my pastor at the time, Pastor Scott Carlson, telling me in one of his sermons that if you pray for your faith to be increased, stand by! The Lord will move mountains and you to answer that prayer. As I had to go to the Lord for more faith due to Mark Jr.‘s debut I looked over the last 15 years. God had been answering my prayer all along. My faith in Him has been growing. I required faith to leave all that I knew and loved to join the Marines because I felt that was where the Lord wanted me. I required more faith to wait for four years on the love of my life, believing that the Lord had meant for us to be together. I required yet more faith when the Lord escorted my husband to Iraq and then yet more to be pregnant and alone. Then finally, as if He placed the cherry on top, He gave me this tiny fragile gift that would demand more faith in the Lord, he would demand that I remain on my knees perpetually in prayer before the Lord. This little one would demand of me agape love and patience, long suffering, gentleness, kindness. My prayer for faith had been answered and was being answered for the last 15 years. I rapidly commenced praying for the fruits of the Spirit to grow in my life as I was going to need more than five a day to be a good parent to our children! I believe that the Lord will spend the next 30 years or so answering this prayer . . .
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Gal 5:22.
Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit u of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Thank God that He is faithful to answer our prayers and thank God that He gave us the privilege to talk to Him in this manner. Until next time . . .pray!
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