I loved day dreaming and I used to do it often. You know, thinking about that place in our never too distant future where all things will converge to perfection. Funny enough, I’ve never attained it and I know that the treacherous 2007-2008-2009 that I have walked through has helped me to learn that. I have stopped day dreaming, unless it is about heaven and how awesome that is going to be . . .
I also knew that Mark and I would have struggles when we came back together full time. We haven’t come back together full time but even our two weeks here and there have become strained. We are starting to believe that God is keeping us apart because being together would be way to difficult to deal with. We appear to have become sand paper to one another. God is using the other to rub off the rough edges of the other. This was never more apparent to me than with the loss of my beloved Tigger. Mark is indifferent because he isn’t a dog person and that makes me angry. He is also expecting me to fulfill my pet free zone for the next three years, sure it was my idea, but I thought when he saw the awesomeness of Tigger he wouldn’t make me stick to such a stupid idea! I DAYDREAMED that I could convert him to a dog person.
Now I am in the pet free zone and I must be feeling what he was feeling all that time I had Tigger. Disconnected, angry, frustrated and why does it have to be this way? My mind goes to really angry thoughts when I give it a chance. Like, he isn’t even here, why should he give a crap if I have a dog? He still smokes and I should get to have a pet until he has to give up his vice!!! Then I will give up mine! Or this is the greatest thing I like to scream out in my head, why does me having a dog always have to be an issue, God, my whole life never once has it just been sure Dani, here is a puppy, have fun, live free and be happy! Nope, it is always a knock down, drag out, fight to the death and quite frankly I am sick of it. So God please take out of my heart a desire for a puppy, or put one into Mark, either way I don’t care but make it one or the other. But He still hasn’t answered. So basically I teeter between rage at Mark and frustration at the Lord. All because I daydreamed? Should I have known you can’t change a person in ANY respect that includes animals? I don’t know. All I know is that I am having to constantly pray to the Lord about my heart towards my husband and I’m praying that August 3rd 2012 gets here before I know it.
The lesson in this I have been praying about and wondering about. I think it is for me to learn that even if I feel nothing in my heart I have to keep going and stay the course, feelings are not important. I thought I had learned that in the hell I walked through with Mark being gone and pregnant and sick all by myself in England. However, maybe not. Another possibility is to learn that daydreaming is of the devil, but I thought I had learned that already also. Maybe I needed review on both counts . . .
So, until next time, abide in Him and He will abide in you and pray . . .
