God loves us too much to leave us . . .

I thank God that He loves us too much to leave us alone, to leave us where we are at. That He is faithful to complete the good work He started in me!(Philippians 1:6) Last week I left off my blog in a state of disconnected pain and anger. The last bit of my old life, the old Dani, pre-Mommy-D had just pasted away.

I was feeling anger at not being able to get another dog and anger at my husband for being okay with that! I had learned in my Catholic Bible study the Sunday before that when you are in desolation(that feeling that God is far away when your brain knows that He says He will never leave you nor forsake you but you just can’t feel it) to keep PRAYING until Consolation comes(the knowing He is right there and rejoicing in all things)!

So I would put my son to sleep, get some grub to eat, then go to my room and get on my knees and pull out my rosary and pray and pray and pray. Until I fell asleep, then I would wake the next day and start again, I couldn’t pray the rosary but I did not stop talking to God. Asking Him why? And when later in the week I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Arthritis, I said, “Okay, God you are in control.” And I repeated that to Him and mostly myself all the way home. What was going on? Why was all this happening this week?!

Finally on Thursday I was willing to give to God what He wanted, every last shred of me, up to and INCLUDING my love for our canine friends. It was then that I heard about Job while listening to the Christian Radio station in our area. Job lost everything of his old life too, job, friends, kids, belongings, health . . .pretty much the only thing he got to keep was his nagging wife, and we know what Proverbs says about the nagging wife! Poor Job didn’t even have a roof to sit on the corner of! (Proverbs 21:9)

I know that I’m not righteous and I know that I deserve death, so I should be rejoicing in the beauty that is this new phase of life! The wonder that is God using me, little old me with all my silly anger about losing the old me(the me I wanted God to destroy so I could be for Him, so I am getting exactly what I prayed for, I just didn’t think it would hurt so much or include Tigger!). That old me, in all her carnality and weakness in flesh had to be fully destroyed and I’m sure there is more to kill. When I get angry about things in my life that aren’t going the way I planned and I want to think in my mind and heart and sometimes be dumb enough to say in my outloud voice, okay, I most always am dumb enough to say it in my outloud voice, I should rememberJob 42:3:

“Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.“
When I remember it, I should be silent!

God is not finished with me, there will be more squeezing, but may I take it on my knees! May I recognize immediately the guiding hand of the Lord and give Him ALL of me, even the bits I think He doesn’t care about. Someday, God will give me another puppy, just like He restored to Job all that he lost. Someday, Mark and I will be able to live in the same house on a day to day basis, someday we will find the place that God wants us to be together for a while and raise our babies together.

But right now, we are Job, sitting in the beautiful place of dust that we don’t see the beauty of sometimes because we are longing for the life that was before, when we knew and understood what we were and where we were. Just like Job we cannot fathom the beauty of the life God is going to bless us with after the pit of dust. I think Job’s wife even stopped nagging! May God continue to show me the beauty of the dust I sit in and not leave me unfinished!

Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and Pray!