What does it mean to relearn the face of God? Seriously, since I’ve never seen his face, how the heck can I relearn it? But I have! Many of us base our assumptions on the Lord and His character by interactions with people in our lives. Especially those that claim to be Christians! Seldom do we go directly to the source or His Word in order to determine if our assumptions are true. Funny enough, we hate it when this is done to us but have no problem doing it to the Creator.
An example, since Christians are as messed up as me, Jesus and God can’t be real. Really? It is because we are as messed up as everyone else that Jesus had to come, in order to save us. The difference between us and you is that I have accepted Jesus’ gift! An assumption that has kept people from Christ for years!
My parents said they were Christians and they were horrible parents! Always saying or doing the wrong thing! So if God loves them and accepts them, I want no part of Him. Or if I have part of Him I am scared to death of the rest of Him. What if He is unpredictable, angry and unforgiving? What if He asks me to do things He won’t do Himself? Just like my mom or dad or parents? What if He never does what He says He is going to do?
This is the category I fell into. I was afraid that God was going to get angry at me or push me away because I wasn’t perfect enough. That He was going to fly off the handle at a moments notice for something I didn’t really do and if I did it was a tiny thing so shouldn’t have upset Him so much. When my life was going so well He would do something to throw a wrench into the works because He would be angry that my life was so grand.
I also came to the severe realization that God does not have to play by our rules and that He will do what is best for my eternal well being not my temporal satisfaction. This is really hard for some people to take, hence the: Why do bad things happen to good people question? I think that this is why Jesus said that there is none good but His Father in heaven. He wanted to clear that matter up straight away, nothing bad happens to good people because there are no good people. We all need a savior because either externally or purely internally we are messed up in some manner or another. It is pride that keeps us running from that truth and by the way, that is an internal messed up! Haha
So back to this relearning His face . . .
So when I came to the Lord in confession I always saw His face as disappointed and angry. I always saw Him as wishing I would just get it right, for God’s sake! It wasn’t until I did a bible study at the Hope Mills Catholic Church that I learned otherwise. There is great rejoicing in heaven when just one of us who turns back towards the Lord(repents)!(Luke 15:7) That is a party! Read the section in the Word around that verse and you will realize that God is not frowning when we return, He is dancing, singing and coming to give us a great big hug! How awesome! You don’t have to look much beyond the Prodigal Son story to figure that out, so why had I been so blind to my Father’s face all these years? Because I was constantly seeing my earthly father’s face, the one that could never be pleased and would never completely let go of a transgression. Do I blame my earthly father? No, he is human and like me wrong in a lot of ways! My responsibility is to go to the Lord to relearn His face!
Joshua is almost two and constantly does not respond to my requests for obedience. Does that change in any way how much I love and adore him? Do I think ill of him or not forgive his transgression? Absolutely not! I love him unconditionally and pray that God gives me the strength and love to do that throughout His growing up years. But if I as a mere mortal(breathing dirt) do that for my sweet Joshua, how much more can God do that for us who sees me like I see Joshua, someone created in His image!
God’s face became so much more beautiful to me on the day I made that epiphany! There was more to follow.
His face is also brave and beautiful. He will weather any storm with me and help me to be stronger on the other side. As that awesome Christian rock song says, Sometimes He will calm the storm but sometimes He will calm the storm in me! So true! Fear has been my constant companion since I can remember. I learned to manage it by becoming a Marine. I thought then that no one could hurt my heart again(had a huge heartbreak post high school) and no one was going to hurt me physically. I shut off my heart and learned the awesome United States Marine Self Defense techniques! I was great and unafraid, sort of. The last two years, God has decided to show me this part of myself and to take it out of me, or rather, have me give it to Him and depend on Him. After I had Joshua I realized that I could not keep us safe from diseases, world calamity or someone trying to hurt us! This fear steadily grew until paralyzing proportions were reached. I got a dog, a Cane Corso, thinking that this would finally set me free of this fear. However, training a dog to be a therapy dog is a long process and I can’t take him with me into stores until that is done. Grocery shopping became very difficult because I couldn’t take him, Wal-Mart was so hard because he was not yet a service dog. Suddenly, I realized that I was trying to wait and go to these places when Mark was home or when I could go with a friend! This is severely inhibiting. So the dog only took care of part of my fear, the home and road trip fear. I still had to go to places without his comfort. I knew that God said He could take my fear, but why would He do that. Fear is such a stupid and annoying thing to have! I should just be able to get rid of it on my own.
With the help of the Bible Study, my husband and a Christian counselor(these people are great for helping you walk through issues) I realized that I expected God to respond like my earthly father to my fear. Never once did he comfort me, in fact, it was the opposite. When I came to him in fear he shoved me away, made snide comments and even tried to lock me out. It was my earthly mother who always came to save me from my fears. This was great in helping me to know that Mother Mary would pray for me, however, it did nothing for helping me to know the brave and protecting face of God. Since I never felt protected by my earthly father I did not believe I could be protected by God.
However, finally, there came a second epiphany and fear that I had fought for years was stripped away as I bathed in the protection of my God and Father. I know that doesn’t mean that He is going to save me from pain, but I know that it means He is going to walk through all of it with me and that none of it is willy nilly, all is for something and I trust His total love of me. I, as Joshua's mother, want to protect him from everything, but I can't. In order to learn to walk, he had to fall and so it is with the rest of life! I have to trust God to walk Joshua through that and me through mine.
Amazingly, this even had an affect on my view of my husband’s ability to protect me. Suddenly, I realized how much he makes me feel safe in many things. Mark makes me brave enough to speak in front of people and to do Mary Kay. He makes me brave enough to train Tiesto and raise Joshua. He makes me brave enough to try to figure out how to keep a house under control! Because I know that Mark is taking care of everything else and that he believes in me and loves me. Does that mean that Mark and I won’t go through hard stuff? Nope, this year alone I’ve had my gall bladder removed after being hospitalized for five days and they discovered a cyst on my pancreas. I also have inflammatory arthritis that renders my arms useless from time to time. Mark and I's definition of organization and "clean" are two entirely different things. However, Mark and I know that our Father in heaven has our backs. He is going to walk us through the fire of life and we trust Him to do that.
The cyst on my pancreas taught me that life is precious, no matter the trials it contains because I might not be here to live it! God loves Joshua more than I ever could so I have given Him back the son He gave me. This does not absolve my responsiblities as a parent, but it does mean that I have God there to help me every step of the way! Freedom, that is how I would describe how I feel after these two remarkable epiphanies.
Being a wife, mother and Catholic are remarkable methods that God uses to teach me His true face! His face is loving towards me at all times(even when I mess up), it is strong and when He is holding me close and looking at the rest of the world, it is a fierce face of protection because I am His beloved daughter. Thank God!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Never Perfect!
So today I suddenly had a realization. I will NEVER be perfect and not only that, it seems that I was the only one expecting me to be! Isn’t that hilarious? No really, here is how it all started. For days now I have had A LOT of stress, the least comment from Mark about it would be easier if I did it this way, or no, he would do it cause he has a certain way or anything that was short of “Dani, you are so darn perfect there is nothing about the way you (insert anything here) that could be easier for you or more efficient.” I took offense to. Poor Mark didn’t know what to do. It broke my heart because this alienated me from him and he is my best friend! What had Mark done wrong? Nothing.
To top it all off I am doing a bible study at the church called Deepening your Friendship with God and I was realizing that I not only suck as a friend to God but that I ONLY trusted God when I had to. What does that mean? It means once I have exhausted all of my resources, once I’ve done everything I can do to change a situation, once I’ve cried myself dehydrated because I can’t fix something no matter what I do, I then go to God. And I don’t go to Him with a grateful heart, with a heart full of love knowing that I am about to approach my knight in shining armor, the lover of my soul who has stated repeatedly in His word that He would pursue me into the desert if He had to. Nope, I go to Him like a dead-girl walking to her executioner! What? Why do I do that? Has He not proven Himself faithful over and over again in my life? Yes, He has.
I thought, prayed and cried some more over this realization when it suddenly hit me. It is because I do not trust God. I don’t trust Him to make sure that Joshua doesn’t get hurt, that Mark is always safe, that our families will be safe or that I won’t be beaten up and left for dead cause I’m trapped in a woman’s body. Nope, God may not stop anything bad from happening to me or my loved ones, so therefore I did not/do not trust Him. So many people I knew had this same problem! I had never had an answer for them and now I know why! Secretly, I agreed with them! This was a shocker because I’ve been telling myself and everyone else in my life that I did trust Him implicitly! So after admitting the lie to me and my husband, Mark had some very interesting tidbits to add.
“What are your priorities? Are you more concerned with your soul, Joshua’s soul and mine then you are about situations in this world?” That really gave me a start. I had thought up until he asked this question that I was. I’ve been saying for the last 18 months that the most important thing I can do for Joshua is live out the life of a Jesus-lover honestly and point him to the Lord. However, I don’t know what I meant by those words, because if I meant them in the right way, it would mean that I could answer yes to his question. However, when my mouth tried to form it I choked! Were those my priorities? Because if they were I was going to have to take a serious look at what causes me so darn much fear!
To be honest, I am a fearful and angry person. I constantly give these two things to the Lord, only to take them back again. I am angry at people for hurting people and then I’m angry at myself because I am one of them(doing the hurting and being hurt)! I am afraid that something horrible is just a breath away from happening and the conglomeration of these two items becomes a severe distrust of humanity and a heavy reliance on my canine companion to bring me comfort during my days. How that plays out is that I hate going somewhere without Tiesto because I am scared and nervous the entire time, this anxiety is only increased when Joshua is with me and the dog is not. However, when they are both not with me I feel naked and pray that no one notices me, or if they do that they will think I’m fine and smart and then leave me alone. However, I am not afraid of anyone causing harm because I figure I can take care of myself. What is wrong with me? According to God, nothing, He loves me just the way that I am. Some of you reading this might me shocked by that fact, but it is true. However, like any really good parent, He loves me way too much to leave me where I am and thank God for that.
The talk with my husband and my bible study today brought two things to light. The first being that I will never be perfect! Mark’s attempts to help and streamline are not an affront to my personhood or my value! I will never be perfect so crumbling because someone appears to have found something wrong is silly. Above all, God knows I’m not perfect and He chased me! Mark knows I’m not perfect and still hangs on for another day every day! Why was I the last one to know!?
The second thing that dawned on me is that God knows I love dogs and babies. He knows that dogs help me to feel safe and Joshua makes me feel whole. He loves me and these personality quirks about me! He has watched me become me! However, He is not going to leave me that way because He needs me to see all creatures through His eyes. That means loving adult humans with the same agape patient love I give to dogs and my son. This stunned me! Today, my Bible study teacher said that our unhealthy attachments are things that God wants to use to show us more about Him, but we have to look at the relationship as God would want us to see it! I thought about my relationship with Tiesto. He makes me feel safe when nothing else can. Tiesto loves me no matter how much work I get done in a day, if I was feeling poorly and never thinks I’m coming apart at the seams when I start crying, he just lets me wet his fur. This unconditional acceptance is something I crave and have always craved. For someone to scream to me, “Dani, you are alright just being you! Stop tweaking, going to college, writing papers, stop striving for being more because you in this moment is the most beautiful being in the world!” Today, I realized that God was trying to show me that He was that God, He has been singing it softly to me since I was a babe. First, in my mother’s arms, then in my husband’s and now every time sweet Joshua looks at me. He is all the puppy dog eyes that have ever looked up at me with complete love and interest. He whispers it in the breeze through the trees and hums it in the warmth of the sun on my face! He has been telling me over and over again and never so loudly as when He suffered, died and was buried to free me from the ultimate horror of eternal separation from His beautiful love. He came back to life again to show me that while this life ends in death and is filled with pain and bad things, He promises life and loves me completely and unconditionally! He made a picture for me and that picture was dogs! Why was I so slow to see that? Understanding His love for me makes me want to love everyone with His love and it sets me free from not only harsh expectations I have of myself, but those I place on others! I am FREE to love and be loved! FREE to meet people and talk to people and be friends with people! Why?
Because I trust God to get me through this life to be with Him on the other side. Just like a good parent who can’t control their child’s every whim as they walk through life so God is not going to control humanity. However, He promises that for His children, those who run to Him, He will redeem all things! He promises that He has overcome the world and that some day it is all going to be alright. So my priorities, yeah, they are in the right order now, our eternity is sooooo much more important than our temporaries, and in this world it is all temporary! It is okay that while I breath I am never going to be perfect because He thinks I’m dandy right now and in the end He is going to give me the biggest lovin’ hug anyone has ever seen!
This world is a fearful and horrible place, filled with horrible evil, however, I have a soul guard and so does my family! Nothing in this world can touch the beauty of my God and His strong arms for catching my family when bad things happen! He will carry us through and we will just keep truckin’ until that day we are blest with sweet release into His heaven!
To top it all off I am doing a bible study at the church called Deepening your Friendship with God and I was realizing that I not only suck as a friend to God but that I ONLY trusted God when I had to. What does that mean? It means once I have exhausted all of my resources, once I’ve done everything I can do to change a situation, once I’ve cried myself dehydrated because I can’t fix something no matter what I do, I then go to God. And I don’t go to Him with a grateful heart, with a heart full of love knowing that I am about to approach my knight in shining armor, the lover of my soul who has stated repeatedly in His word that He would pursue me into the desert if He had to. Nope, I go to Him like a dead-girl walking to her executioner! What? Why do I do that? Has He not proven Himself faithful over and over again in my life? Yes, He has.
I thought, prayed and cried some more over this realization when it suddenly hit me. It is because I do not trust God. I don’t trust Him to make sure that Joshua doesn’t get hurt, that Mark is always safe, that our families will be safe or that I won’t be beaten up and left for dead cause I’m trapped in a woman’s body. Nope, God may not stop anything bad from happening to me or my loved ones, so therefore I did not/do not trust Him. So many people I knew had this same problem! I had never had an answer for them and now I know why! Secretly, I agreed with them! This was a shocker because I’ve been telling myself and everyone else in my life that I did trust Him implicitly! So after admitting the lie to me and my husband, Mark had some very interesting tidbits to add.
“What are your priorities? Are you more concerned with your soul, Joshua’s soul and mine then you are about situations in this world?” That really gave me a start. I had thought up until he asked this question that I was. I’ve been saying for the last 18 months that the most important thing I can do for Joshua is live out the life of a Jesus-lover honestly and point him to the Lord. However, I don’t know what I meant by those words, because if I meant them in the right way, it would mean that I could answer yes to his question. However, when my mouth tried to form it I choked! Were those my priorities? Because if they were I was going to have to take a serious look at what causes me so darn much fear!
To be honest, I am a fearful and angry person. I constantly give these two things to the Lord, only to take them back again. I am angry at people for hurting people and then I’m angry at myself because I am one of them(doing the hurting and being hurt)! I am afraid that something horrible is just a breath away from happening and the conglomeration of these two items becomes a severe distrust of humanity and a heavy reliance on my canine companion to bring me comfort during my days. How that plays out is that I hate going somewhere without Tiesto because I am scared and nervous the entire time, this anxiety is only increased when Joshua is with me and the dog is not. However, when they are both not with me I feel naked and pray that no one notices me, or if they do that they will think I’m fine and smart and then leave me alone. However, I am not afraid of anyone causing harm because I figure I can take care of myself. What is wrong with me? According to God, nothing, He loves me just the way that I am. Some of you reading this might me shocked by that fact, but it is true. However, like any really good parent, He loves me way too much to leave me where I am and thank God for that.
The talk with my husband and my bible study today brought two things to light. The first being that I will never be perfect! Mark’s attempts to help and streamline are not an affront to my personhood or my value! I will never be perfect so crumbling because someone appears to have found something wrong is silly. Above all, God knows I’m not perfect and He chased me! Mark knows I’m not perfect and still hangs on for another day every day! Why was I the last one to know!?
The second thing that dawned on me is that God knows I love dogs and babies. He knows that dogs help me to feel safe and Joshua makes me feel whole. He loves me and these personality quirks about me! He has watched me become me! However, He is not going to leave me that way because He needs me to see all creatures through His eyes. That means loving adult humans with the same agape patient love I give to dogs and my son. This stunned me! Today, my Bible study teacher said that our unhealthy attachments are things that God wants to use to show us more about Him, but we have to look at the relationship as God would want us to see it! I thought about my relationship with Tiesto. He makes me feel safe when nothing else can. Tiesto loves me no matter how much work I get done in a day, if I was feeling poorly and never thinks I’m coming apart at the seams when I start crying, he just lets me wet his fur. This unconditional acceptance is something I crave and have always craved. For someone to scream to me, “Dani, you are alright just being you! Stop tweaking, going to college, writing papers, stop striving for being more because you in this moment is the most beautiful being in the world!” Today, I realized that God was trying to show me that He was that God, He has been singing it softly to me since I was a babe. First, in my mother’s arms, then in my husband’s and now every time sweet Joshua looks at me. He is all the puppy dog eyes that have ever looked up at me with complete love and interest. He whispers it in the breeze through the trees and hums it in the warmth of the sun on my face! He has been telling me over and over again and never so loudly as when He suffered, died and was buried to free me from the ultimate horror of eternal separation from His beautiful love. He came back to life again to show me that while this life ends in death and is filled with pain and bad things, He promises life and loves me completely and unconditionally! He made a picture for me and that picture was dogs! Why was I so slow to see that? Understanding His love for me makes me want to love everyone with His love and it sets me free from not only harsh expectations I have of myself, but those I place on others! I am FREE to love and be loved! FREE to meet people and talk to people and be friends with people! Why?
Because I trust God to get me through this life to be with Him on the other side. Just like a good parent who can’t control their child’s every whim as they walk through life so God is not going to control humanity. However, He promises that for His children, those who run to Him, He will redeem all things! He promises that He has overcome the world and that some day it is all going to be alright. So my priorities, yeah, they are in the right order now, our eternity is sooooo much more important than our temporaries, and in this world it is all temporary! It is okay that while I breath I am never going to be perfect because He thinks I’m dandy right now and in the end He is going to give me the biggest lovin’ hug anyone has ever seen!
This world is a fearful and horrible place, filled with horrible evil, however, I have a soul guard and so does my family! Nothing in this world can touch the beauty of my God and His strong arms for catching my family when bad things happen! He will carry us through and we will just keep truckin’ until that day we are blest with sweet release into His heaven!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Bad Day Redefined!
I thought I knew what it meant to have a bad day. However, God enlightened me today through my 17 month old that I, in fact, did not know what it was to have a bad day! After this lesson, which I shall share, I have decided that I can be a bit of a whiner and should learn to suck it up, buttercup!
So there we were playing on the back deck. My son was playing happily in a big cooler filled with water. A causality floating in this water was a June Bug. I had no idea how long that June Bug had been floating because we just got home from a several week journey. In the mad splashing about the June Bug splashed out. To my amazement, he started moving his legs wildly in the air(in the air because he had landed on his back), so I flipped him over. He seemed like he was trying to catch his breath after so long a stint in the water. Joshua rediscovered him and commenced a very close inspection of the exhausted and water logged June Bug. Not moving fast enough, Joshua took off on another adventure and finally the bug commenced walking to somewhere far away from the cooler and its water. However, Joshua returned from his adventure to resume playing in the cooler and before I could stop him he raced right over the top of that poor bugger. Did you know that one baby foot can in fact squash a bug?
So, I redefined my definition of a bad day!
So there we were playing on the back deck. My son was playing happily in a big cooler filled with water. A causality floating in this water was a June Bug. I had no idea how long that June Bug had been floating because we just got home from a several week journey. In the mad splashing about the June Bug splashed out. To my amazement, he started moving his legs wildly in the air(in the air because he had landed on his back), so I flipped him over. He seemed like he was trying to catch his breath after so long a stint in the water. Joshua rediscovered him and commenced a very close inspection of the exhausted and water logged June Bug. Not moving fast enough, Joshua took off on another adventure and finally the bug commenced walking to somewhere far away from the cooler and its water. However, Joshua returned from his adventure to resume playing in the cooler and before I could stop him he raced right over the top of that poor bugger. Did you know that one baby foot can in fact squash a bug?
So, I redefined my definition of a bad day!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
God does STILL work Miracles!
I love it when people say,
“God doesn’t work miracles like He used to in the Bible. He just watches this mess.” I laugh at that because it is as if everyone doesn’t realize how horrible the mess would be if all He did was watch. As people turn away from Him more and more it gets worse and worse because that is a natural consequence. Like children, when mom says,
“No, don’t touch that it is hot.” She takes the child away but he sprints to touch it and gets burned. We are those children.
I love it when something unexplained happens that is positive and people call it karma, luck, fate, in fact, they call it anything but miracle because that would mean there may be a creator and then that would mean they might need to know Him.
In my life alone God has done so many miracles that I could write another Bible filled with my own awesome stories of God’s work in my redemption! Let me assure you now, I do not intend on doing that.
However, I do want to talk about a recent miracle that God preformed in the life of this mother. My son got allergies this year. I was making sure he had lots of fluids and was eating properly and we suffered through together as mine also got excited. However, after two days of this he woke up with crusty eyes. Now I was out of my depth. I was concerned it was conjunctivitis so to the doctor we went. To my amazement, his eyes were fine, it was allergies. However, she listened to his lungs and found fluid in the lower right lung. Very minor she assured me it was just the beginnings but we put him on the medicine to clear it up! Amazing!! God brought me to the doctor with my son when he needed it but before it became anything serious! It was a Friday, just think how much worse it would have gotten in his tiny body in just 24 hours!
I pray every day for wisdom as both a wife and a mother because I KNOW I don’t know anything. In the past I’ve been so arrogant before the Lord to think that I could figure anything out. My role as both wife and mother keeps me constantly on my knees before the Lord! However, this role also gives me the privilege to watch God work miracles in their lives as well! Thank God, it is wonderful to watch Him work!
“God doesn’t work miracles like He used to in the Bible. He just watches this mess.” I laugh at that because it is as if everyone doesn’t realize how horrible the mess would be if all He did was watch. As people turn away from Him more and more it gets worse and worse because that is a natural consequence. Like children, when mom says,
“No, don’t touch that it is hot.” She takes the child away but he sprints to touch it and gets burned. We are those children.
I love it when something unexplained happens that is positive and people call it karma, luck, fate, in fact, they call it anything but miracle because that would mean there may be a creator and then that would mean they might need to know Him.
In my life alone God has done so many miracles that I could write another Bible filled with my own awesome stories of God’s work in my redemption! Let me assure you now, I do not intend on doing that.
However, I do want to talk about a recent miracle that God preformed in the life of this mother. My son got allergies this year. I was making sure he had lots of fluids and was eating properly and we suffered through together as mine also got excited. However, after two days of this he woke up with crusty eyes. Now I was out of my depth. I was concerned it was conjunctivitis so to the doctor we went. To my amazement, his eyes were fine, it was allergies. However, she listened to his lungs and found fluid in the lower right lung. Very minor she assured me it was just the beginnings but we put him on the medicine to clear it up! Amazing!! God brought me to the doctor with my son when he needed it but before it became anything serious! It was a Friday, just think how much worse it would have gotten in his tiny body in just 24 hours!
I pray every day for wisdom as both a wife and a mother because I KNOW I don’t know anything. In the past I’ve been so arrogant before the Lord to think that I could figure anything out. My role as both wife and mother keeps me constantly on my knees before the Lord! However, this role also gives me the privilege to watch God work miracles in their lives as well! Thank God, it is wonderful to watch Him work!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Bumps in the Road, Road Trip Part 3
Obstacles, flat tires, dead end roads, annoying traffic back ups and detours, yes, these bumps in the road trip are out there by the 1000s and it is no different in life. We plan to go in one direction but life seems to drag us in another, we have two choices, bitterness or go with it and look for the good!
I remember once going on a road trip with Mark and he would not stop for anything! Not real food(I had to live on nuts and berries from a wee cooler on the passenger side floor board), not the bathroom(I just had to hold it!), not for anything but crabs and that the car needed gasoline. Needless to say, I loathed the trip, we had only road tripped in Britain before, a tiny island not more than 4 hours to anywhere really, so I had no idea of his penchant for going until I wanted to scream! In fact, it was so horrible that I remember little else from that trip! I spent the whole time angry, not once thinking that I had a captive audience I could have talked his ear off or sung it off. I could have listened to my tunes and relaxed and thought about deserts and very very dry places until the car ran out of gas. I could have read my Bible(except that probably would have made me car sick). But, you see my point, the obstacle of Mark not stopping got me so focused on him not stopping that when ever I think of that trip, that is the first thing that comes to mind! Silly, Dani! That is exactly what we can do to this wonderful gift of life God has given us.
Mark and I love each other immensely, we want to be together, and this is odd for most married couples nowadays. I thank God for him daily and we have been married for six years! 3.5 years of that we have been apart! That is not counting a few absences here and there. We are flat sick of it and are striving to make it different but every turn means more waiting. I could fixate on that, hold onto that frustration, pet it, love it and call it Crap, but I wouldn’t notice all the wonder that is our life! We get to go and visit him in new places! I have Joshua and I get to be a homemaker! I have a dog that I get to take to work with me every day because I’m a homemaker! How freakin’ cool is that? I love my home, my land and my car! I love my neighbors and I love my friends! I have so many cool things going on with my church and so much fun with Mary Kay! How could I be blind to all that? Easily enough; simply fixate on the bad, on the absence of the love of my life. I am a firm believer that you will reflect what your mind loves on. Another words, what do you think about when you have nothing to really think about. In those times it is the most dangerous for our hearts!
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Mt 15:19.
Mt 15:19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. d
So what should we do when our mind starts to wander and we find it wandering to everything that is negative and we commence the poor me party!
First, remember that Jesus did not spare Himself hardships. He didn’t have a bed onto which he could lay his head and he roamed ceaselessly for three years and then died a HORRIBLE death; now grant it He rose again three days later. However, couldn’t He have taken a more cushy route, certainly, but He did not spare Himself. He stayed on His road trip with ALL of its obstacles to the bitter end to save us! Considering that helps me get a right perspective on my painful circumstances.
Secondly, I remember Noah, Abram and Jacob. Think about the road blocks these folks had in their lives! Noah had a huge boat to construct in the middle of the desert, then all these animals to care for and was on a boat for a year – then he could go on with his life. Abram was separated from his family and told to go to another far off land and he went, but he moved around constantly and was told he would have a child. While he tried to do things to fix his childless status (the Arab Nation) he couldn’t do it, God removed the obstacle and then Abraham went about raising Isaac. And Jacob, that poor man had to work for 14 years to get the wife he wanted and then she wouldn’t get pregnant and became very bitter and angry with Jacob! Talk about a case of the grass being greener on the other side! These are people that God chose to have a relationship with, to talk with and share in His plan with! I want to have a tight relationship with Him, doesn’t that mean that I should expect life’s circumstances to shape me as it did the forefathers?
Finally, I start making a list of everything that is right and wonderful in my life and thanking God for them one by one. When I am done I have God’s peace again and I know that He will fix Mark and I’s separateness in His time. Until then, Mark and I have to bloom where we are planted, we have to focus on Him and wait on Him. We have to trust in Him and know that His ways are not our ways! That is hard, so hard and we are not perfect at it. However, I strive to stay on my knees before the Lord and in His word. I race to church on the weekends for Mass, even when I am out of town because I need Jesus to get through this road trip called life. The fact of the matter is, Mark and I will be together again and then there will be another flat tire on this road trip, so we have to keep abiding in Him and then He will abide in us!
Until next time, you do that too!
I remember once going on a road trip with Mark and he would not stop for anything! Not real food(I had to live on nuts and berries from a wee cooler on the passenger side floor board), not the bathroom(I just had to hold it!), not for anything but crabs and that the car needed gasoline. Needless to say, I loathed the trip, we had only road tripped in Britain before, a tiny island not more than 4 hours to anywhere really, so I had no idea of his penchant for going until I wanted to scream! In fact, it was so horrible that I remember little else from that trip! I spent the whole time angry, not once thinking that I had a captive audience I could have talked his ear off or sung it off. I could have listened to my tunes and relaxed and thought about deserts and very very dry places until the car ran out of gas. I could have read my Bible(except that probably would have made me car sick). But, you see my point, the obstacle of Mark not stopping got me so focused on him not stopping that when ever I think of that trip, that is the first thing that comes to mind! Silly, Dani! That is exactly what we can do to this wonderful gift of life God has given us.
Mark and I love each other immensely, we want to be together, and this is odd for most married couples nowadays. I thank God for him daily and we have been married for six years! 3.5 years of that we have been apart! That is not counting a few absences here and there. We are flat sick of it and are striving to make it different but every turn means more waiting. I could fixate on that, hold onto that frustration, pet it, love it and call it Crap, but I wouldn’t notice all the wonder that is our life! We get to go and visit him in new places! I have Joshua and I get to be a homemaker! I have a dog that I get to take to work with me every day because I’m a homemaker! How freakin’ cool is that? I love my home, my land and my car! I love my neighbors and I love my friends! I have so many cool things going on with my church and so much fun with Mary Kay! How could I be blind to all that? Easily enough; simply fixate on the bad, on the absence of the love of my life. I am a firm believer that you will reflect what your mind loves on. Another words, what do you think about when you have nothing to really think about. In those times it is the most dangerous for our hearts!
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Mt 15:19.
Mt 15:19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. d
So what should we do when our mind starts to wander and we find it wandering to everything that is negative and we commence the poor me party!
First, remember that Jesus did not spare Himself hardships. He didn’t have a bed onto which he could lay his head and he roamed ceaselessly for three years and then died a HORRIBLE death; now grant it He rose again three days later. However, couldn’t He have taken a more cushy route, certainly, but He did not spare Himself. He stayed on His road trip with ALL of its obstacles to the bitter end to save us! Considering that helps me get a right perspective on my painful circumstances.
Secondly, I remember Noah, Abram and Jacob. Think about the road blocks these folks had in their lives! Noah had a huge boat to construct in the middle of the desert, then all these animals to care for and was on a boat for a year – then he could go on with his life. Abram was separated from his family and told to go to another far off land and he went, but he moved around constantly and was told he would have a child. While he tried to do things to fix his childless status (the Arab Nation) he couldn’t do it, God removed the obstacle and then Abraham went about raising Isaac. And Jacob, that poor man had to work for 14 years to get the wife he wanted and then she wouldn’t get pregnant and became very bitter and angry with Jacob! Talk about a case of the grass being greener on the other side! These are people that God chose to have a relationship with, to talk with and share in His plan with! I want to have a tight relationship with Him, doesn’t that mean that I should expect life’s circumstances to shape me as it did the forefathers?
Finally, I start making a list of everything that is right and wonderful in my life and thanking God for them one by one. When I am done I have God’s peace again and I know that He will fix Mark and I’s separateness in His time. Until then, Mark and I have to bloom where we are planted, we have to focus on Him and wait on Him. We have to trust in Him and know that His ways are not our ways! That is hard, so hard and we are not perfect at it. However, I strive to stay on my knees before the Lord and in His word. I race to church on the weekends for Mass, even when I am out of town because I need Jesus to get through this road trip called life. The fact of the matter is, Mark and I will be together again and then there will be another flat tire on this road trip, so we have to keep abiding in Him and then He will abide in us!
Until next time, you do that too!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Passengers on this Road Trip Part 2
Many times I've heard the saying "You can pick your friends but not your family." How true is that? They should also add "or your workmates." It is always interesting to me that no matter what your occupation or family location in life you can never distance yourself completely from people who would hurt you or just annoy the heck out of you.
I've even gone so far as to think that if I could hand pick my family, friends and workmates, life would be grand! Then I thought about the most perfect road trip I'd ever gone on and my only traveling companion was Tigger, my Staffordshire Bull Terrier. She didn't complain about wrong turns, she didn't complain about frequent stops, she didn't talk incessantly and when we walked 33 miles in two days, she just kept walking. It was a wonderful weekend but there were things missing. She didn't tell me funny stories, or cause me to expand my compassion or endurance level. She didn't challenge my understanding of the universe based on her viewpoints. The very fact that she just went along with me meant that I didn't have a chance of growing as a person.
People in my life who drive me nuts or hurt me are the first people I try to push away. Once successful I think, aww, those that remain are perfect but my tolerance level recedes and suddenly one of the in crowd is annoying, I withdraw and the cycle repeats! Now in case you start thinking that I warrant staying in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, I do not and I want to clear that up right now. However, those that are guilty of minor infractions are everyone because everyone is human and sooner or later they will disappoint and a road trip alone is no fun, and it is the same with life! So, deciding that we don't want to walk through life alone what to do about those in our life who are like sand between our toes?
A friend once explained to me that those people in your life who cause discomfort are the very ones that God is using to make you more like Jesus. For a long while I thought that was nonsense! However, I thought I would take a look at Jesus workmates and family to see if He had anybody that if I were Him(you know, able to know everything) I would have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work out . . " and walked on by. Jesus knows the hearts of all men so He knew all of his constituents before hand and fully, better than they themselves. So who did He pick for His road trip?
The first obvious oversight was Judas, that is a no brainer, the guy that was going to betray me to death, with a kiss no less! I would have walked right by him.
Secondly, there would have been the power hungry Zebedee brothers and their mother who asked for the best seat in the new kingdom, seriously, Jesus is going to get crucified soon and she is worried about seating! I would have kept walking.
Thirdly, Mary, His dearest mother, if she had pushed me into making wine before my time, I would have said, "Do you know who I am, God's son, the only one? You can't push me around . . ." And poof my Mom would be outta here! But He didn't in all the above cases He loved them and honored His earthly mother!
I kept going through each disciple and I came up with at least one reason for each, Peter would deny me, John is too clingy and so on and so forth. How much lonelier would the Lord have been if He had gotten rid of all those that hurt Him or annoyed Him. But Jesus used all of them. Mary's wine demand to start His public ministry, Peter to start His church, John to give us His mother and even Judas to consummate the Passover. And just like He used all of them in His life so it is with ours!
Those people that rub us wrong or hurt our feelings or pride(we all have that in abundance some call it honor) can make us better if we give the situation to God to redeem it and love anyway. I've actually had people that I hated and when I started praying for them and trying to run to God with He not only redeemed the situation but I became friends with the people.
We love to think that we are the best person on this road trip! The victims of heartache and pain by horrible people but how can we say that when we are all sinners. I once heard a pastor who I don't remember the name of say, "We are like thieves, found guilty and sent to a prison of thieves. On our first night in someone steals our favorite book and we say, you horrible thief you stole from me!" I died laughing to hear that! Yes, we are all passengers on equal footing. There is not first class on this ride!
So we can't pick who we ride with, how do we cope in love with these people? Go to our knees and stay there. Distance ourselves when we have to in order to deal with our own hearts because you can't change other people or give them rules on how they can interact with you, you have to deal with your own issues and heart! Think of ourselves like St. Paul did - the greatest sinner and the lowliest person. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, WASHED THEM! The God of the universe, WASHED the feet of His less than perfect, hurtful and at times annoying passengers on His ride! So how can we not?
What I have learned is if someone hurts me, annoys me or makes me angry I should go to my knees! Tell the Lord how hurt I am and never lash back, in rage at being wrongly accused and baggage being dumped on me. I have lashed out and lost loved ones as a result. Is that the answer? I don't think so, should I be walked on? No, but I should respond in Christ and in love not out of wounded pride and bent noses! So I pray for the situation and the person. Everything about the person, family, finances and walk with the Lord, worklife and happiness. Everything I hope people are praying for me and my heart starts to change! Suddenly, I have so much love for that person because God is giving me that love and they don't seem so hurtful or annoying - they are God's child too and I want them to enjoy this ride too! Who knows, I might even loan them my iPod for part of the journey!
++Note: If a relationship(blood or friendship) is riddled with rules, regulations, manipulations and essentially a emotionally abusive or physically abusive one it is not the kind of hurts or annoyances I am talking about here - NOT at ALL! In those cases, I myself go in full retreat but maintain praying for them.
I've even gone so far as to think that if I could hand pick my family, friends and workmates, life would be grand! Then I thought about the most perfect road trip I'd ever gone on and my only traveling companion was Tigger, my Staffordshire Bull Terrier. She didn't complain about wrong turns, she didn't complain about frequent stops, she didn't talk incessantly and when we walked 33 miles in two days, she just kept walking. It was a wonderful weekend but there were things missing. She didn't tell me funny stories, or cause me to expand my compassion or endurance level. She didn't challenge my understanding of the universe based on her viewpoints. The very fact that she just went along with me meant that I didn't have a chance of growing as a person.
People in my life who drive me nuts or hurt me are the first people I try to push away. Once successful I think, aww, those that remain are perfect but my tolerance level recedes and suddenly one of the in crowd is annoying, I withdraw and the cycle repeats! Now in case you start thinking that I warrant staying in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, I do not and I want to clear that up right now. However, those that are guilty of minor infractions are everyone because everyone is human and sooner or later they will disappoint and a road trip alone is no fun, and it is the same with life! So, deciding that we don't want to walk through life alone what to do about those in our life who are like sand between our toes?
A friend once explained to me that those people in your life who cause discomfort are the very ones that God is using to make you more like Jesus. For a long while I thought that was nonsense! However, I thought I would take a look at Jesus workmates and family to see if He had anybody that if I were Him(you know, able to know everything) I would have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work out . . " and walked on by. Jesus knows the hearts of all men so He knew all of his constituents before hand and fully, better than they themselves. So who did He pick for His road trip?
The first obvious oversight was Judas, that is a no brainer, the guy that was going to betray me to death, with a kiss no less! I would have walked right by him.
Secondly, there would have been the power hungry Zebedee brothers and their mother who asked for the best seat in the new kingdom, seriously, Jesus is going to get crucified soon and she is worried about seating! I would have kept walking.
Thirdly, Mary, His dearest mother, if she had pushed me into making wine before my time, I would have said, "Do you know who I am, God's son, the only one? You can't push me around . . ." And poof my Mom would be outta here! But He didn't in all the above cases He loved them and honored His earthly mother!
I kept going through each disciple and I came up with at least one reason for each, Peter would deny me, John is too clingy and so on and so forth. How much lonelier would the Lord have been if He had gotten rid of all those that hurt Him or annoyed Him. But Jesus used all of them. Mary's wine demand to start His public ministry, Peter to start His church, John to give us His mother and even Judas to consummate the Passover. And just like He used all of them in His life so it is with ours!
Those people that rub us wrong or hurt our feelings or pride(we all have that in abundance some call it honor) can make us better if we give the situation to God to redeem it and love anyway. I've actually had people that I hated and when I started praying for them and trying to run to God with He not only redeemed the situation but I became friends with the people.
We love to think that we are the best person on this road trip! The victims of heartache and pain by horrible people but how can we say that when we are all sinners. I once heard a pastor who I don't remember the name of say, "We are like thieves, found guilty and sent to a prison of thieves. On our first night in someone steals our favorite book and we say, you horrible thief you stole from me!" I died laughing to hear that! Yes, we are all passengers on equal footing. There is not first class on this ride!
So we can't pick who we ride with, how do we cope in love with these people? Go to our knees and stay there. Distance ourselves when we have to in order to deal with our own hearts because you can't change other people or give them rules on how they can interact with you, you have to deal with your own issues and heart! Think of ourselves like St. Paul did - the greatest sinner and the lowliest person. Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, WASHED THEM! The God of the universe, WASHED the feet of His less than perfect, hurtful and at times annoying passengers on His ride! So how can we not?
What I have learned is if someone hurts me, annoys me or makes me angry I should go to my knees! Tell the Lord how hurt I am and never lash back, in rage at being wrongly accused and baggage being dumped on me. I have lashed out and lost loved ones as a result. Is that the answer? I don't think so, should I be walked on? No, but I should respond in Christ and in love not out of wounded pride and bent noses! So I pray for the situation and the person. Everything about the person, family, finances and walk with the Lord, worklife and happiness. Everything I hope people are praying for me and my heart starts to change! Suddenly, I have so much love for that person because God is giving me that love and they don't seem so hurtful or annoying - they are God's child too and I want them to enjoy this ride too! Who knows, I might even loan them my iPod for part of the journey!
++Note: If a relationship(blood or friendship) is riddled with rules, regulations, manipulations and essentially a emotionally abusive or physically abusive one it is not the kind of hurts or annoyances I am talking about here - NOT at ALL! In those cases, I myself go in full retreat but maintain praying for them.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Enjoying the Ride Part 1
When I was a kid and we were planning a road trip – long or short, it didn’t matter –the anticipation was great. I would dig out my road trip bag and pack an outfit and a book and thought that was good. My morning of the road trip was littered with exasperation from my mother when I was so excited I couldn’t eat and needed cheese to calm me down, only to get sick 2 minutes before walking out the door. 15 minutes after we left the drive way I would say,
“Mom, I’m starving!” She would say,
“You should have eaten before we left.” I would say,
“I tried but it left.” She would sigh and we would go to McDonald’s. Both my parents believed this to be an evil ploy on my part to eat out but fed us anyway. Funny, now that I look back, they always got something to eat too! Everyone stopped thinking it was an evil ploy when this feature carried into my marriage, I just get too darned excited!
Did I mention my packing? To my mother’s exasperation yet again, when we would arrive and I had one outfit we would have to go somewhere to buy one more. Again, the assumption was that I did this to get new clothes. That was much to complicated a scheme for me, nope, I was just so focused on the destination and how wonderful it was that I could not get myself to focus on the planning and preparation for the destination. While I am getting better, I have to for my son, I still do this!
On the actual road trip we only stopped for gas so you better go while we’re there. That meant never seeing a point of interest on the way. Never stopping to see something that might be obscure but neat! These opportunities for enriching the journey are often overlooked by people not just my family. It is like driving Route 66 and never stopping ANYWHERE!
Then there was getting lost. I will never forget the hilarity of one getting lost occasion. My dad would “sometimes” not listen to my mother’s directions,(to his credit this could be dodgy at times) saying,
“You can’t read a map.” But every trip he would give her the map and every trip he would not listen to her and every trip we got lost at least once. This time it was on a Turnpike in IL going to Chicago. In my child sleepy haze – I was 4 – I remember mom laughing in the dark and asking,
“Is there something you want to stop and take a closer look at on this Turnpike? This is the sixth go round? I keep telling you to get off here!” Then her laughter resumed as Dad said,
“I keep telling you that is wrong!” And he drove past it a seventh time, on the eighth pass he took the exit and we were saved! How funny not to listen to the person with the map!
Once we would finally arrive I would be so excited for the first hour. Running around seeing everything new! Where would I sleep? Where would we eat? Is there stuff to do outside? After all that I would settle on the couch and have a distinct moment of, this is it? Home is better but I’ll enjoy what I can! I would sigh deeply and go get my book for a bit of reading before the next adventure, sometimes missing out on the wonder of the new spot.
It was amazing when at 31 I realized that I was living like I took road trips. I was even more shocked to realize that life as a Catholic is not only a road trip extremely focused on the destination of heaven but also one focused on the journey with God in the driver’s seat. So how does one go about this road trip called life and enjoy the ride?
What is the plan?
Well, no good road trip can be had without a plan. However, if the plan is too detailed it is so oppressive of a journey that no one can enjoy it. Ask anyone who has ever been on the military equivalent of a road trip – a convoy – and they’ll let you know all about too detailed plans for road trips.
So it is with life. If you over plan that means you leave no room for God to move you. Not giving Him that liberty in your heart will mean the obstacles and course changes in your journey can make you hard hearted. If you have a heart of stone you will not let God drive on your road trip and it will only get worse. I once had such a detailed plan for life and it was all MY plan! Mark just needed to get out of the military and get a civilian job like I had. We would work from 8 to 5, never have kids, have lots of money, travel the whole world and then die. Sounds pretty great if you are talking to someone with no relationship with Jesus and during that time in my life that would be an apt description. Thank God, He physically removed the wheel from my hands. I had become so angry with my schedule and Mark’s schedule never coinciding and so angry with the Army for TDYs that this rage not only affected my friendships, work relationships and family relationships, it also drastically affected my marriage. Mark hardly touched me and it mattered little to me if he did. I weighed more than I had my whole life and could barely breath to climb stairs thanks to smoking. Marlboros became a past time I indulged in more and more to suppress the beast.(My pet name for the rage threatening to destroy me: its container) Nothing was following my plan! Finally, I got a break and a promotion that put Mark and I on the same schedule. That same week, Mark got orders to Bragg then to Iraq for the next 15 months! Needless to say the sound of my heart of stone exploding into a million pieces as I crumpled to my knees in rage and anger at the Lord for letting it happen was audible! How could He so destroy my plans? I had a timeline and everything! I went to church most Sundays, how could He do this? Weren’t there an abundance of horrible people needing a beating, why beat me? Three years and four months later there is a light at the end of the tunnel of our separation and I cannot enumerate all the wonderful things that God has done in our hearts, minds and lives! I will tell you that it is nothing less than a miracle and we now plan to serve the Lord with our lives, we plan the day to day and we plan to have to replan often as God guides us. Dr. Alan Shreck says it best in his book The Essential Catholic Catechism,
“Thus it is that Jesus can call all his followers to have a profound yet childlike trust in their Father in heaven, in divine providence guiding all things finally to the good and to the perfection of His plan.”(67)
Like the road trips with my parents, I just had to trust they would get us there. I had to trust the destination was good because I’d never been. Sometimes I felt we were never getting there but in the end it was great!
It is hard not to have a detailed plan. Everything about our world pushes us to do it from as young as 3 years old. So I remind myself daily of these two verses:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jer 29:11.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Ro 8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and hand over the wheel with prayer!
“Mom, I’m starving!” She would say,
“You should have eaten before we left.” I would say,
“I tried but it left.” She would sigh and we would go to McDonald’s. Both my parents believed this to be an evil ploy on my part to eat out but fed us anyway. Funny, now that I look back, they always got something to eat too! Everyone stopped thinking it was an evil ploy when this feature carried into my marriage, I just get too darned excited!
Did I mention my packing? To my mother’s exasperation yet again, when we would arrive and I had one outfit we would have to go somewhere to buy one more. Again, the assumption was that I did this to get new clothes. That was much to complicated a scheme for me, nope, I was just so focused on the destination and how wonderful it was that I could not get myself to focus on the planning and preparation for the destination. While I am getting better, I have to for my son, I still do this!
On the actual road trip we only stopped for gas so you better go while we’re there. That meant never seeing a point of interest on the way. Never stopping to see something that might be obscure but neat! These opportunities for enriching the journey are often overlooked by people not just my family. It is like driving Route 66 and never stopping ANYWHERE!
Then there was getting lost. I will never forget the hilarity of one getting lost occasion. My dad would “sometimes” not listen to my mother’s directions,(to his credit this could be dodgy at times) saying,
“You can’t read a map.” But every trip he would give her the map and every trip he would not listen to her and every trip we got lost at least once. This time it was on a Turnpike in IL going to Chicago. In my child sleepy haze – I was 4 – I remember mom laughing in the dark and asking,
“Is there something you want to stop and take a closer look at on this Turnpike? This is the sixth go round? I keep telling you to get off here!” Then her laughter resumed as Dad said,
“I keep telling you that is wrong!” And he drove past it a seventh time, on the eighth pass he took the exit and we were saved! How funny not to listen to the person with the map!
Once we would finally arrive I would be so excited for the first hour. Running around seeing everything new! Where would I sleep? Where would we eat? Is there stuff to do outside? After all that I would settle on the couch and have a distinct moment of, this is it? Home is better but I’ll enjoy what I can! I would sigh deeply and go get my book for a bit of reading before the next adventure, sometimes missing out on the wonder of the new spot.
It was amazing when at 31 I realized that I was living like I took road trips. I was even more shocked to realize that life as a Catholic is not only a road trip extremely focused on the destination of heaven but also one focused on the journey with God in the driver’s seat. So how does one go about this road trip called life and enjoy the ride?
What is the plan?
Well, no good road trip can be had without a plan. However, if the plan is too detailed it is so oppressive of a journey that no one can enjoy it. Ask anyone who has ever been on the military equivalent of a road trip – a convoy – and they’ll let you know all about too detailed plans for road trips.
So it is with life. If you over plan that means you leave no room for God to move you. Not giving Him that liberty in your heart will mean the obstacles and course changes in your journey can make you hard hearted. If you have a heart of stone you will not let God drive on your road trip and it will only get worse. I once had such a detailed plan for life and it was all MY plan! Mark just needed to get out of the military and get a civilian job like I had. We would work from 8 to 5, never have kids, have lots of money, travel the whole world and then die. Sounds pretty great if you are talking to someone with no relationship with Jesus and during that time in my life that would be an apt description. Thank God, He physically removed the wheel from my hands. I had become so angry with my schedule and Mark’s schedule never coinciding and so angry with the Army for TDYs that this rage not only affected my friendships, work relationships and family relationships, it also drastically affected my marriage. Mark hardly touched me and it mattered little to me if he did. I weighed more than I had my whole life and could barely breath to climb stairs thanks to smoking. Marlboros became a past time I indulged in more and more to suppress the beast.(My pet name for the rage threatening to destroy me: its container) Nothing was following my plan! Finally, I got a break and a promotion that put Mark and I on the same schedule. That same week, Mark got orders to Bragg then to Iraq for the next 15 months! Needless to say the sound of my heart of stone exploding into a million pieces as I crumpled to my knees in rage and anger at the Lord for letting it happen was audible! How could He so destroy my plans? I had a timeline and everything! I went to church most Sundays, how could He do this? Weren’t there an abundance of horrible people needing a beating, why beat me? Three years and four months later there is a light at the end of the tunnel of our separation and I cannot enumerate all the wonderful things that God has done in our hearts, minds and lives! I will tell you that it is nothing less than a miracle and we now plan to serve the Lord with our lives, we plan the day to day and we plan to have to replan often as God guides us. Dr. Alan Shreck says it best in his book The Essential Catholic Catechism,
“Thus it is that Jesus can call all his followers to have a profound yet childlike trust in their Father in heaven, in divine providence guiding all things finally to the good and to the perfection of His plan.”(67)
Like the road trips with my parents, I just had to trust they would get us there. I had to trust the destination was good because I’d never been. Sometimes I felt we were never getting there but in the end it was great!
It is hard not to have a detailed plan. Everything about our world pushes us to do it from as young as 3 years old. So I remind myself daily of these two verses:
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Jer 29:11.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Pradis CD-ROM:Ro 8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and hand over the wheel with prayer!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dogs, kids and hubbys!
Well, I have to say that between my toddler, my 15 week old Cane Corso, my Mary Kay business and my husband, I'm pretty busy. However, I am loving this life! I love every day, even when I collapse from utter exhaustion at the end of each day.
Tiesto is my Corso's name and he is amazing, a great dog. He already knows sit, his name and the watch me command!
Joshua grows more and more every day! He does amazing things and has started toddleing about, it is great! He plays in the dog's food dish and water, climbs kitchen chairs and says "OK, Car and Gorga(a relative's cat name kinda)." He also signs, "More, All Done, bird, dog, cat and Semi-truck." Essentially, I think he is a genius.
He loves Tiesto and Tiesto loves him as long as neither are receiving attention from me. As soon as Tiesto is getting attention, Joshua acts up, as soon as Joshua is getting attention Tiesto acts up! I laugh all day when I am not chasing one and then the other.
God continues to reveal to me different things in me that I have to give up. When people mention public schools I would break into a cold sweat. Now, due to prayer and trying to find out how to get over that fear for Joshua, God set me free! I can now consider all options of schooling for my son and not choke on fear. I can't believe how amazing He is, there is no fear too big for Jesus!
So, life is good, God is great and I love every minute of this wild ride called LIFE!
Tiesto is my Corso's name and he is amazing, a great dog. He already knows sit, his name and the watch me command!
Joshua grows more and more every day! He does amazing things and has started toddleing about, it is great! He plays in the dog's food dish and water, climbs kitchen chairs and says "OK, Car and Gorga(a relative's cat name kinda)." He also signs, "More, All Done, bird, dog, cat and Semi-truck." Essentially, I think he is a genius.
He loves Tiesto and Tiesto loves him as long as neither are receiving attention from me. As soon as Tiesto is getting attention, Joshua acts up, as soon as Joshua is getting attention Tiesto acts up! I laugh all day when I am not chasing one and then the other.
God continues to reveal to me different things in me that I have to give up. When people mention public schools I would break into a cold sweat. Now, due to prayer and trying to find out how to get over that fear for Joshua, God set me free! I can now consider all options of schooling for my son and not choke on fear. I can't believe how amazing He is, there is no fear too big for Jesus!
So, life is good, God is great and I love every minute of this wild ride called LIFE!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Mountains do Move
I found myself taking a tour of the house for the 100th time that night. Not sleeping due to fear that someone would try to come in the house and take my most precious treasure. Knowing that I am only a woman, a woman and mother who finds herself alone alot, I am afraid. I cry out to the Lord for comfort, for peace. I fight against the fear with every fiber of my being because I was in the dog free zone, there was no way I could get a dog.
I read verses that deal with fear. Especially the, do not fear man, they can only kill your body. But it wasn't my body I was scared for, it was my precious precious treasure!
After a full 1.5 weeks of sleepless touring with a steel bat I asked my husband for a waiver to the dogfree zone. If I could please have a security gaurd of the fur type. As suspected, he was not happy. The heated discussion that followed was one for Mark and I's history book. At the end of the conversation I said,
"Mark, I love you and I have nothing else to say on the matter so I am going to bed now." Again we were talking out serious things on the phone because again he was gone. I went to bed crying out to the Lord, God, why am I scared? Why do I need a dog? Why can't my husband come home and be my body gaurd? I was sobbing into my pillow, crying out for God to do something to make this situation at all better! When I felt Him say,
"Do what Mark asked." What?? He asked me to find about getting a security system installed, he asked me to talk to someone about my fear issues to see if they can help me! In other words, get a big computer to do your safety and see if someone can help you with this craziness! I was so angry for a moment I couldn't speak, God was asking me to do what Mark asked and everything in me was sick of going the long way around when I knew what could help. But fine, God makes me take the long way around on everything, why would this be any different? My rage passed as I calmly found out the prices of security systems, my anger at being misunderstood and over believed in traded itself in for sympathy for my husband. Somehow, a man who has no use for dogs got tied to a woman who had a million uses for them. At the end of all the phone calls, getting an appointment to talk to someone, finding out the cost of the leading security systems and a lot of praying later, I saw my husband's point of view. I felt his pain at being unable to protect me but not wanting to have to himself or with a dog. Him wanting me to feel so strong and realizing that might not happen. I was crying for him, my sweet husband by the time we spoke on the phone the next night.
I told him I had done exactly what he suggested. I got an appointment to talk to someone and I told him the price of the security systems. I told him that the cheapest was a Cane Corso and laughed. I wanted him to make light with me. I wanted him to know that I choose him, that I always choose him! He is so wonderful, a wonderful provider, husband, father, a wonderful man and leader. I will follow him where ever and with my whole being I needed him to know that, I would always do all that he asked.
We chatted on for a little bit when we were about to get off the phone I asked him,
"Honey, which security system can I go with?" He said,
"Why don't you put a deposit on that puppy and when I get home will pick him up." I froze, did he really say that or was it my inside voice wishing he would.
"Mark, are you teasing?" I started laughing and crying and instantly the universe lifted from my shoulders.
God would continue to protect me like He always has, my gardian angel and my son's would continue to protect us but now I would have the tangible fur I needed to sleep. I would hear Zeus' breathing and know that everything is going to be alright because that big brute was going to have my back and most importantly my son's! It is amazing that while God was softening my heart toward my husband's side of this conflict, He was softening my husband's.
You would think that my husband's homecoming might be overshadowed by the homecoming of our sweet bodygaurd. Let me be clear, to quote a prez, that is most assuredly not the case. Again, I am waiting, breath abated for the return of my sweet hero, my gorgeous husband, best friend and wonderful lover! God showed me that I must trust Him above all and He will move my mountains.
Mark and I are striving together for a better future for our son, one where daddy is home every night and God maintains our holding pattern. This event reminded me that God is going to move the mountain of my husband's perpetual absence too, I just have to wait and do everything He says!
I read verses that deal with fear. Especially the, do not fear man, they can only kill your body. But it wasn't my body I was scared for, it was my precious precious treasure!
After a full 1.5 weeks of sleepless touring with a steel bat I asked my husband for a waiver to the dogfree zone. If I could please have a security gaurd of the fur type. As suspected, he was not happy. The heated discussion that followed was one for Mark and I's history book. At the end of the conversation I said,
"Mark, I love you and I have nothing else to say on the matter so I am going to bed now." Again we were talking out serious things on the phone because again he was gone. I went to bed crying out to the Lord, God, why am I scared? Why do I need a dog? Why can't my husband come home and be my body gaurd? I was sobbing into my pillow, crying out for God to do something to make this situation at all better! When I felt Him say,
"Do what Mark asked." What?? He asked me to find about getting a security system installed, he asked me to talk to someone about my fear issues to see if they can help me! In other words, get a big computer to do your safety and see if someone can help you with this craziness! I was so angry for a moment I couldn't speak, God was asking me to do what Mark asked and everything in me was sick of going the long way around when I knew what could help. But fine, God makes me take the long way around on everything, why would this be any different? My rage passed as I calmly found out the prices of security systems, my anger at being misunderstood and over believed in traded itself in for sympathy for my husband. Somehow, a man who has no use for dogs got tied to a woman who had a million uses for them. At the end of all the phone calls, getting an appointment to talk to someone, finding out the cost of the leading security systems and a lot of praying later, I saw my husband's point of view. I felt his pain at being unable to protect me but not wanting to have to himself or with a dog. Him wanting me to feel so strong and realizing that might not happen. I was crying for him, my sweet husband by the time we spoke on the phone the next night.
I told him I had done exactly what he suggested. I got an appointment to talk to someone and I told him the price of the security systems. I told him that the cheapest was a Cane Corso and laughed. I wanted him to make light with me. I wanted him to know that I choose him, that I always choose him! He is so wonderful, a wonderful provider, husband, father, a wonderful man and leader. I will follow him where ever and with my whole being I needed him to know that, I would always do all that he asked.
We chatted on for a little bit when we were about to get off the phone I asked him,
"Honey, which security system can I go with?" He said,
"Why don't you put a deposit on that puppy and when I get home will pick him up." I froze, did he really say that or was it my inside voice wishing he would.
"Mark, are you teasing?" I started laughing and crying and instantly the universe lifted from my shoulders.
God would continue to protect me like He always has, my gardian angel and my son's would continue to protect us but now I would have the tangible fur I needed to sleep. I would hear Zeus' breathing and know that everything is going to be alright because that big brute was going to have my back and most importantly my son's! It is amazing that while God was softening my heart toward my husband's side of this conflict, He was softening my husband's.
You would think that my husband's homecoming might be overshadowed by the homecoming of our sweet bodygaurd. Let me be clear, to quote a prez, that is most assuredly not the case. Again, I am waiting, breath abated for the return of my sweet hero, my gorgeous husband, best friend and wonderful lover! God showed me that I must trust Him above all and He will move my mountains.
Mark and I are striving together for a better future for our son, one where daddy is home every night and God maintains our holding pattern. This event reminded me that God is going to move the mountain of my husband's perpetual absence too, I just have to wait and do everything He says!
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