Never Perfect!

So today I suddenly had a realization. I will NEVER be perfect and not only that, it seems that I was the only one expecting me to be! Isn’t that hilarious? No really, here is how it all started. For days now I have had A LOT of stress, the least comment from Mark about it would be easier if I did it this way, or no, he would do it cause he has a certain way or anything that was short of “Dani, you are so darn perfect there is nothing about the way you (insert anything here) that could be easier for you or more efficient.” I took offense to. Poor Mark didn’t know what to do. It broke my heart because this alienated me from him and he is my best friend! What had Mark done wrong? Nothing.

To top it all off I am doing a bible study at the church called Deepening your Friendship with God and I was realizing that I not only suck as a friend to God but that I ONLY trusted God when I had to. What does that mean? It means once I have exhausted all of my resources, once I’ve done everything I can do to change a situation, once I’ve cried myself dehydrated because I can’t fix something no matter what I do, I then go to God. And I don’t go to Him with a grateful heart, with a heart full of love knowing that I am about to approach my knight in shining armor, the lover of my soul who has stated repeatedly in His word that He would pursue me into the desert if He had to. Nope, I go to Him like a dead-girl walking to her executioner! What? Why do I do that? Has He not proven Himself faithful over and over again in my life? Yes, He has.

I thought, prayed and cried some more over this realization when it suddenly hit me. It is because I do not trust God. I don’t trust Him to make sure that Joshua doesn’t get hurt, that Mark is always safe, that our families will be safe or that I won’t be beaten up and left for dead cause I’m trapped in a woman’s body. Nope, God may not stop anything bad from happening to me or my loved ones, so therefore I did not/do not trust Him. So many people I knew had this same problem! I had never had an answer for them and now I know why! Secretly, I agreed with them! This was a shocker because I’ve been telling myself and everyone else in my life that I did trust Him implicitly! So after admitting the lie to me and my husband, Mark had some very interesting tidbits to add.
“What are your priorities? Are you more concerned with your soul, Joshua’s soul and mine then you are about situations in this world?” That really gave me a start. I had thought up until he asked this question that I was. I’ve been saying for the last 18 months that the most important thing I can do for Joshua is live out the life of a Jesus-lover honestly and point him to the Lord. However, I don’t know what I meant by those words, because if I meant them in the right way, it would mean that I could answer yes to his question. However, when my mouth tried to form it I choked! Were those my priorities? Because if they were I was going to have to take a serious look at what causes me so darn much fear!

To be honest, I am a fearful and angry person. I constantly give these two things to the Lord, only to take them back again. I am angry at people for hurting people and then I’m angry at myself because I am one of them(doing the hurting and being hurt)! I am afraid that something horrible is just a breath away from happening and the conglomeration of these two items becomes a severe distrust of humanity and a heavy reliance on my canine companion to bring me comfort during my days. How that plays out is that I hate going somewhere without Tiesto because I am scared and nervous the entire time, this anxiety is only increased when Joshua is with me and the dog is not. However, when they are both not with me I feel naked and pray that no one notices me, or if they do that they will think I’m fine and smart and then leave me alone. However, I am not afraid of anyone causing harm because I figure I can take care of myself. What is wrong with me? According to God, nothing, He loves me just the way that I am. Some of you reading this might me shocked by that fact, but it is true. However, like any really good parent, He loves me way too much to leave me where I am and thank God for that.

The talk with my husband and my bible study today brought two things to light. The first being that I will never be perfect! Mark’s attempts to help and streamline are not an affront to my personhood or my value! I will never be perfect so crumbling because someone appears to have found something wrong is silly. Above all, God knows I’m not perfect and He chased me! Mark knows I’m not perfect and still hangs on for another day every day! Why was I the last one to know!?

The second thing that dawned on me is that God knows I love dogs and babies. He knows that dogs help me to feel safe and Joshua makes me feel whole. He loves me and these personality quirks about me! He has watched me become me! However, He is not going to leave me that way because He needs me to see all creatures through His eyes. That means loving adult humans with the same agape patient love I give to dogs and my son. This stunned me! Today, my Bible study teacher said that our unhealthy attachments are things that God wants to use to show us more about Him, but we have to look at the relationship as God would want us to see it! I thought about my relationship with Tiesto. He makes me feel safe when nothing else can. Tiesto loves me no matter how much work I get done in a day, if I was feeling poorly and never thinks I’m coming apart at the seams when I start crying, he just lets me wet his fur. This unconditional acceptance is something I crave and have always craved. For someone to scream to me, “Dani, you are alright just being you! Stop tweaking, going to college, writing papers, stop striving for being more because you in this moment is the most beautiful being in the world!” Today, I realized that God was trying to show me that He was that God, He has been singing it softly to me since I was a babe. First, in my mother’s arms, then in my husband’s and now every time sweet Joshua looks at me. He is all the puppy dog eyes that have ever looked up at me with complete love and interest. He whispers it in the breeze through the trees and hums it in the warmth of the sun on my face! He has been telling me over and over again and never so loudly as when He suffered, died and was buried to free me from the ultimate horror of eternal separation from His beautiful love. He came back to life again to show me that while this life ends in death and is filled with pain and bad things, He promises life and loves me completely and unconditionally! He made a picture for me and that picture was dogs! Why was I so slow to see that? Understanding His love for me makes me want to love everyone with His love and it sets me free from not only harsh expectations I have of myself, but those I place on others! I am FREE to love and be loved! FREE to meet people and talk to people and be friends with people! Why?

Because I trust God to get me through this life to be with Him on the other side. Just like a good parent who can’t control their child’s every whim as they walk through life so God is not going to control humanity. However, He promises that for His children, those who run to Him, He will redeem all things! He promises that He has overcome the world and that some day it is all going to be alright. So my priorities, yeah, they are in the right order now, our eternity is sooooo much more important than our temporaries, and in this world it is all temporary! It is okay that while I breath I am never going to be perfect because He thinks I’m dandy right now and in the end He is going to give me the biggest lovin’ hug anyone has ever seen!

This world is a fearful and horrible place, filled with horrible evil, however, I have a soul guard and so does my family! Nothing in this world can touch the beauty of my God and His strong arms for catching my family when bad things happen! He will carry us through and we will just keep truckin’ until that day we are blest with sweet release into His heaven!