What is after Romantic Love?

About two months ago, my husband and I were walking around the lovely city of Charleston SC when he turned to me and said,

"Yeah, I think for us our Romantic love days are over. . ." And looked to me to see if I agreed and understood. Funny enough, I just smiled and nodded like I was okay with that when on the inside I thought, "What does that mean?" Does that mean he doesn't love me anymore and is just hanging around because I have his kid? Does that mean he was going to grow tired of me now and come home from his business trips just to see the wee one and pretend he wanted to see me? I shrugged it off at the time because I was too tired and overwhelmed from the career, location, life change that I had just walked through.

Weeks passed and as you've read I went through a myriad of other trials until finally coming back around to this, he doesn't romantically love me anymore? By the time I would have learned what that kind of love was my parents hated each other, so I had to look elsewhere for an example. I knew in my heart of hearts that Mark was right, that stay up all night, madly searching for moments together and butterflies dancing in your tummy at the sound of their voice had passed. I had heard talk of an abiding love, but who knew what that was?

I will point out now, Abiding Love is hard to notice. Romantic love is everywhere, in the movies, on the streets and on the radio. You see it being declared from the roof tops and in lovely ballads and in operas, but abiding love . . .well, not so much! That is that happily ever after that no one goes into detail about. Seeing how God is love I thought I would talk to Him about this mystery.

I find that a great description of abiding love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

"Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Now I had read these verses probably 1000 times and sat in on homilies, teachings, sermons and read books all about this. But do you think ever in all that time I noticed that love is all about action! Never once in there does it say, Love is butterflies, love is easy, love is flitting about on endorphines. . .nope, Love is something much deeper that many marriages cannot and do not touch because they are trying to be married(a Christain institution between man and woman) without Christ! This is like trying to drive a car without a steering wheel! Both are heading for a wreck!

So realizing it was an action verb I thought, well, what action can I take to love my husband? Most of society believes that sex is where it is at, as long as a marriage has a good sex life then viola, they will be married forever. However, that cannot be because sex was made for procreation not love. Adam saw Eve and before they ever touched he LOVED her.

"Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man."

It was love at first sight. So we have to rule out sex as an act of love, as the Church says it is a dandy gift from the Lord and no one would argue that it ain't one of the dandiest, but it is not an act of Love.

So I started researching what abiding love's actions looked like and how I could put them into place. The first verse I noticed was Proverbs 5:19,

"Her love will invigorate you always, through her love you will flourish continually,"

It is like that great saying, behind every great man is a great woman!

How did I invigorate my husband? I pondered this question for a while, when did I make him feel the lightest, morning coffee to be sure. This is getting up getting coffee and bringing it to him while he is still in bed, then we, mostly I, chatter on about life and such. Then there was the cleanliness of the house and being organized. Finally, willingness to travel. I was sure there were others but without asking him that was what I could come up with.

How did I oppress my husband? Telling him all my emotions, God gave us girlfriends for this. I find that I as a woman can go on and on to him about how I am feeling but it doesn't help anything or any situation spouses may find themselves in. Remember, abiding love is action. I realized that I finally understood what the curse was when God said to Eve, your desire will be for your husband. What wife hasn't longed to be emotionally intimate with her husband. We get glimpes of this in such special moments but then they retreat again into the male place that no woman can touch. When we try to force ourselves in, this oppresses our husbands. So, I must remember to wait for the next special glimpse. I also oppress him with my desire for pets. I love dogs, he doesn't . . .this one I did not have an immediate answer for but I knew God would take care of this some how and He had until August 3, 2012 to do just that. There were other things I was sure but these were the two biggies. Making a list of these two areas helped me to see things I should do more of and those I should do less!

Finally, in the day to day, what is abiding love? That was when I found Matthew 25:35-36. This is Jesus telling those who are coming into the kingdom that they had abiding love so they can come in,

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."

Okay, so I needed to make sure he had clean clothes, food on his table and something to wash it down with. Even when I felt disconnected from him I was to make his home inviting and so on. However, why did I have to feel like I was dying to take care of my husband and my son. That there was nothing left of the original Dani and now not even can I expect butterflies and romance, just abiding love! Even our original way of relating seemed to be dead!!! What was going on, Lord? What was expected of me?

That was when I found it for only the millionth time in my life, Ephesians chapter five, to be more specific, 5:22. I should submit to my husband as to the Lord. What did that mean anyway? Most of the time I didn't really feel I was submitting to the Lord either and He is the creator of the universe so how was I going to submit to my husband? What was that?

I stumbled on it by looking at the referenced scripture in my Bible, it pointed to, Mark 8:34-35.

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

Yuck, so I was expected to die to myself not only for God but for my husband, that was supposed to ooze over in how I related to him and our family. Now before you get your feathers in a dander, I have to metaphorically die, in Ephesians it says, Men LOVE your wives like Christ LOVED the church. How did He love the church? He died for it, His bride! So I'll keep my lighter load.

So to sum up I learned that abiding love is action love and it is from God. I learned that the actions were described nicely twice in the Bible. We have to get it from Him and give it away. Our husbands are to receive that action love. We must submit to them as we do to Christ. Finally, we need to invigorate them! Abiding love takes work and sometimes there may be no feeling behind it but it is sooooo much sweeter than romantic love! No wonder a world without Christ cannot attain it!

Now, at this point you may be asking yourself, what do I get from my husband for all this abiding love? Instead, ask yourself, what does Jesus get from you for His unending and unfailing love, love that WE never deserved or earned and can never adequately return.

Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you, and pray!

God loves us too much to leave us . . .

I thank God that He loves us too much to leave us alone, to leave us where we are at. That He is faithful to complete the good work He started in me!(Philippians 1:6) Last week I left off my blog in a state of disconnected pain and anger. The last bit of my old life, the old Dani, pre-Mommy-D had just pasted away.

I was feeling anger at not being able to get another dog and anger at my husband for being okay with that! I had learned in my Catholic Bible study the Sunday before that when you are in desolation(that feeling that God is far away when your brain knows that He says He will never leave you nor forsake you but you just can’t feel it) to keep PRAYING until Consolation comes(the knowing He is right there and rejoicing in all things)!

So I would put my son to sleep, get some grub to eat, then go to my room and get on my knees and pull out my rosary and pray and pray and pray. Until I fell asleep, then I would wake the next day and start again, I couldn’t pray the rosary but I did not stop talking to God. Asking Him why? And when later in the week I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Arthritis, I said, “Okay, God you are in control.” And I repeated that to Him and mostly myself all the way home. What was going on? Why was all this happening this week?!

Finally on Thursday I was willing to give to God what He wanted, every last shred of me, up to and INCLUDING my love for our canine friends. It was then that I heard about Job while listening to the Christian Radio station in our area. Job lost everything of his old life too, job, friends, kids, belongings, health . . .pretty much the only thing he got to keep was his nagging wife, and we know what Proverbs says about the nagging wife! Poor Job didn’t even have a roof to sit on the corner of! (Proverbs 21:9)

I know that I’m not righteous and I know that I deserve death, so I should be rejoicing in the beauty that is this new phase of life! The wonder that is God using me, little old me with all my silly anger about losing the old me(the me I wanted God to destroy so I could be for Him, so I am getting exactly what I prayed for, I just didn’t think it would hurt so much or include Tigger!). That old me, in all her carnality and weakness in flesh had to be fully destroyed and I’m sure there is more to kill. When I get angry about things in my life that aren’t going the way I planned and I want to think in my mind and heart and sometimes be dumb enough to say in my outloud voice, okay, I most always am dumb enough to say it in my outloud voice, I should rememberJob 42:3:

“Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.“
When I remember it, I should be silent!

God is not finished with me, there will be more squeezing, but may I take it on my knees! May I recognize immediately the guiding hand of the Lord and give Him ALL of me, even the bits I think He doesn’t care about. Someday, God will give me another puppy, just like He restored to Job all that he lost. Someday, Mark and I will be able to live in the same house on a day to day basis, someday we will find the place that God wants us to be together for a while and raise our babies together.

But right now, we are Job, sitting in the beautiful place of dust that we don’t see the beauty of sometimes because we are longing for the life that was before, when we knew and understood what we were and where we were. Just like Job we cannot fathom the beauty of the life God is going to bless us with after the pit of dust. I think Job’s wife even stopped nagging! May God continue to show me the beauty of the dust I sit in and not leave me unfinished!

Until next time, abide in Him and He will in you and Pray!

Daydreaming should not happen!

I loved day dreaming and I used to do it often. You know, thinking about that place in our never too distant future where all things will converge to perfection. Funny enough, I’ve never attained it and I know that the treacherous 2007-2008-2009 that I have walked through has helped me to learn that. I have stopped day dreaming, unless it is about heaven and how awesome that is going to be . . .

I also knew that Mark and I would have struggles when we came back together full time. We haven’t come back together full time but even our two weeks here and there have become strained. We are starting to believe that God is keeping us apart because being together would be way to difficult to deal with. We appear to have become sand paper to one another. God is using the other to rub off the rough edges of the other. This was never more apparent to me than with the loss of my beloved Tigger. Mark is indifferent because he isn’t a dog person and that makes me angry. He is also expecting me to fulfill my pet free zone for the next three years, sure it was my idea, but I thought when he saw the awesomeness of Tigger he wouldn’t make me stick to such a stupid idea! I DAYDREAMED that I could convert him to a dog person.

Now I am in the pet free zone and I must be feeling what he was feeling all that time I had Tigger. Disconnected, angry, frustrated and why does it have to be this way? My mind goes to really angry thoughts when I give it a chance. Like, he isn’t even here, why should he give a crap if I have a dog? He still smokes and I should get to have a pet until he has to give up his vice!!! Then I will give up mine! Or this is the greatest thing I like to scream out in my head, why does me having a dog always have to be an issue, God, my whole life never once has it just been sure Dani, here is a puppy, have fun, live free and be happy! Nope, it is always a knock down, drag out, fight to the death and quite frankly I am sick of it. So God please take out of my heart a desire for a puppy, or put one into Mark, either way I don’t care but make it one or the other. But He still hasn’t answered. So basically I teeter between rage at Mark and frustration at the Lord. All because I daydreamed? Should I have known you can’t change a person in ANY respect that includes animals? I don’t know. All I know is that I am having to constantly pray to the Lord about my heart towards my husband and I’m praying that August 3rd 2012 gets here before I know it.

The lesson in this I have been praying about and wondering about. I think it is for me to learn that even if I feel nothing in my heart I have to keep going and stay the course, feelings are not important. I thought I had learned that in the hell I walked through with Mark being gone and pregnant and sick all by myself in England. However, maybe not. Another possibility is to learn that daydreaming is of the devil, but I thought I had learned that already also. Maybe I needed review on both counts . . .

So, until next time, abide in Him and He will abide in you and pray . . .