Relearning the face of God!

What does it mean to relearn the face of God? Seriously, since I’ve never seen his face, how the heck can I relearn it? But I have! Many of us base our assumptions on the Lord and His character by interactions with people in our lives. Especially those that claim to be Christians! Seldom do we go directly to the source or His Word in order to determine if our assumptions are true. Funny enough, we hate it when this is done to us but have no problem doing it to the Creator.

An example, since Christians are as messed up as me, Jesus and God can’t be real. Really? It is because we are as messed up as everyone else that Jesus had to come, in order to save us. The difference between us and you is that I have accepted Jesus’ gift! An assumption that has kept people from Christ for years!

My parents said they were Christians and they were horrible parents! Always saying or doing the wrong thing! So if God loves them and accepts them, I want no part of Him. Or if I have part of Him I am scared to death of the rest of Him. What if He is unpredictable, angry and unforgiving? What if He asks me to do things He won’t do Himself? Just like my mom or dad or parents? What if He never does what He says He is going to do?

This is the category I fell into. I was afraid that God was going to get angry at me or push me away because I wasn’t perfect enough. That He was going to fly off the handle at a moments notice for something I didn’t really do and if I did it was a tiny thing so shouldn’t have upset Him so much. When my life was going so well He would do something to throw a wrench into the works because He would be angry that my life was so grand.

I also came to the severe realization that God does not have to play by our rules and that He will do what is best for my eternal well being not my temporal satisfaction. This is really hard for some people to take, hence the: Why do bad things happen to good people question? I think that this is why Jesus said that there is none good but His Father in heaven. He wanted to clear that matter up straight away, nothing bad happens to good people because there are no good people. We all need a savior because either externally or purely internally we are messed up in some manner or another. It is pride that keeps us running from that truth and by the way, that is an internal messed up! Haha

So back to this relearning His face . . .

So when I came to the Lord in confession I always saw His face as disappointed and angry. I always saw Him as wishing I would just get it right, for God’s sake! It wasn’t until I did a bible study at the Hope Mills Catholic Church that I learned otherwise. There is great rejoicing in heaven when just one of us who turns back towards the Lord(repents)!(Luke 15:7) That is a party! Read the section in the Word around that verse and you will realize that God is not frowning when we return, He is dancing, singing and coming to give us a great big hug! How awesome! You don’t have to look much beyond the Prodigal Son story to figure that out, so why had I been so blind to my Father’s face all these years? Because I was constantly seeing my earthly father’s face, the one that could never be pleased and would never completely let go of a transgression. Do I blame my earthly father? No, he is human and like me wrong in a lot of ways! My responsibility is to go to the Lord to relearn His face!

Joshua is almost two and constantly does not respond to my requests for obedience. Does that change in any way how much I love and adore him? Do I think ill of him or not forgive his transgression? Absolutely not! I love him unconditionally and pray that God gives me the strength and love to do that throughout His growing up years. But if I as a mere mortal(breathing dirt) do that for my sweet Joshua, how much more can God do that for us who sees me like I see Joshua, someone created in His image!

God’s face became so much more beautiful to me on the day I made that epiphany! There was more to follow.

His face is also brave and beautiful. He will weather any storm with me and help me to be stronger on the other side. As that awesome Christian rock song says, Sometimes He will calm the storm but sometimes He will calm the storm in me! So true! Fear has been my constant companion since I can remember. I learned to manage it by becoming a Marine. I thought then that no one could hurt my heart again(had a huge heartbreak post high school) and no one was going to hurt me physically. I shut off my heart and learned the awesome United States Marine Self Defense techniques! I was great and unafraid, sort of. The last two years, God has decided to show me this part of myself and to take it out of me, or rather, have me give it to Him and depend on Him. After I had Joshua I realized that I could not keep us safe from diseases, world calamity or someone trying to hurt us! This fear steadily grew until paralyzing proportions were reached. I got a dog, a Cane Corso, thinking that this would finally set me free of this fear. However, training a dog to be a therapy dog is a long process and I can’t take him with me into stores until that is done. Grocery shopping became very difficult because I couldn’t take him, Wal-Mart was so hard because he was not yet a service dog. Suddenly, I realized that I was trying to wait and go to these places when Mark was home or when I could go with a friend! This is severely inhibiting. So the dog only took care of part of my fear, the home and road trip fear. I still had to go to places without his comfort. I knew that God said He could take my fear, but why would He do that. Fear is such a stupid and annoying thing to have! I should just be able to get rid of it on my own.

With the help of the Bible Study, my husband and a Christian counselor(these people are great for helping you walk through issues) I realized that I expected God to respond like my earthly father to my fear. Never once did he comfort me, in fact, it was the opposite. When I came to him in fear he shoved me away, made snide comments and even tried to lock me out. It was my earthly mother who always came to save me from my fears. This was great in helping me to know that Mother Mary would pray for me, however, it did nothing for helping me to know the brave and protecting face of God. Since I never felt protected by my earthly father I did not believe I could be protected by God.

However, finally, there came a second epiphany and fear that I had fought for years was stripped away as I bathed in the protection of my God and Father. I know that doesn’t mean that He is going to save me from pain, but I know that it means He is going to walk through all of it with me and that none of it is willy nilly, all is for something and I trust His total love of me. I, as Joshua's mother, want to protect him from everything, but I can't. In order to learn to walk, he had to fall and so it is with the rest of life! I have to trust God to walk Joshua through that and me through mine.

Amazingly, this even had an affect on my view of my husband’s ability to protect me. Suddenly, I realized how much he makes me feel safe in many things. Mark makes me brave enough to speak in front of people and to do Mary Kay. He makes me brave enough to train Tiesto and raise Joshua. He makes me brave enough to try to figure out how to keep a house under control! Because I know that Mark is taking care of everything else and that he believes in me and loves me. Does that mean that Mark and I won’t go through hard stuff? Nope, this year alone I’ve had my gall bladder removed after being hospitalized for five days and they discovered a cyst on my pancreas. I also have inflammatory arthritis that renders my arms useless from time to time. Mark and I's definition of organization and "clean" are two entirely different things. However, Mark and I know that our Father in heaven has our backs. He is going to walk us through the fire of life and we trust Him to do that.

The cyst on my pancreas taught me that life is precious, no matter the trials it contains because I might not be here to live it! God loves Joshua more than I ever could so I have given Him back the son He gave me. This does not absolve my responsiblities as a parent, but it does mean that I have God there to help me every step of the way! Freedom, that is how I would describe how I feel after these two remarkable epiphanies.

Being a wife, mother and Catholic are remarkable methods that God uses to teach me His true face! His face is loving towards me at all times(even when I mess up), it is strong and when He is holding me close and looking at the rest of the world, it is a fierce face of protection because I am His beloved daughter. Thank God!