I have to say that just when I think I have seen the amazing things that God can do, He shows me how much more He is capable of! One would think that seeing the Universe and all those stars would about sum it up! However, in the last four weeks I have watched my son learn so many things, even in one day! God made babies and that about sums it up!!
He is now five months old. He tries so hard to eat our food and wants to drink from a glass like we do! He crawls, or rather inches in reverse. He can't figure out the forward gears yet, but he is getting there. He is laughing at us when we play with him with such vigor that we feel like clowns trying to do anything that makes him laugh! He had his first swim in a lake and doesn't much care for the whole water temprature thing, apparently he is more of the warm bath water style of lake water. He loves his bath time and playing with his bath toys. He doesn't even care that he is in water, he just chases his toys! All this in about four weeks. That is mind blowing. Each day I have started waiting expectantly for something new to develop.
We have been road tripping pretty nonstop since our return to the States and he has taken it like a champ, not just the three flights to get to the US, but hours and hours of car riding. We have started waiting to drive at night though because he is just a very active baby boy that wants to play during the day, period.
Being a mother gets cooler every day and I can't thank God enough for the opportunity of raising wee Joshua!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Coming Home!
Coming Home!
As parents, Mark and I decided that it was time to take Joshua home. We needed to end our time in the United Kingdom and go back to the US. We really felt that the Lord was calling us home. We were hoping to be able to minister to families in similar situations, torn apart by war. I daydreamed that we were going to minister to parents who had to be apart from their children for awhile, or single parents for a while. I was actually arrogant enough to think that we could just jump right into ministering to others with Mark so freshly returned home!
Living in the UK and not at the deployable unit I was not given any briefings about homecomings. I thought that it was going to be just like it always was, that he would assume his rightful place as the head of my household and it would be like old times, except with a baby! It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get any briefings because even if I had, I would have had to walk this road. It is like I have to start all over again! I have to get to know him again and he, I. We have to start at level 0, not the awesome level we were on when he left originally. When we were first married and he was assuming his roll, I was so happy and excited! He was taking all the things from me that I hated and stressed about! Money, I hate dealing with Money! He took care of the cooking, that is great, once I get home from work I’m too tired to think straight, let alone cook with any coherence. And there were other things too, but we had a very good system for the most part. I had thought that the system would have to change slightly due to a baby but I had no idea the strength with which I would resist his return. Everything became a long drawn out discussion. Mostly him explaining to me why and me spouting back why not. It has been so hard and having Joshua only adds to the pressure. Bit by bit we are working through it, but no briefing would have prepared me for my resistance, I feel like a French woman during the 1700s, resisting everything and everyone especially the king! I spend a lot of time apologizing, not talking and praying! The third takes up most of my time because I cannot do this without His wisdom and assistance! I had become very self centered living on my own.
Which leads me to my second item, dying to self! A more correct term for what I had come to have was selfishness. Everything had to be my way exactly and anything less was unacceptable. In my old career I was the lead of my team, as such I made command decisions, period. As a homemaker, I am not the commander-in-chief of my household. I have so far not dealt with this in the manner I suspect a Proverbs 31 woman would have. Proverbs 31:12 says that the noble wife brings good and not harm to her husband all the days of her life. And already several times in my new career I had considered harm! How is it that my ideas and suggestions are not always followed, sure sometimes they are but in my mind I thought 100% of the time was the best. I could see and I am seeing more and more of the selfishness dying in me and I am so thankful for it. Is it going to hurt? Yep, sacrifice always does but the joy is always worth it. When my husband and son are blessed by an action that took selflessness on my part to do I feel like a million bucks, no, better than that! This selflessness has also been making me stronger and I am sure as selflessness increases so will strength!
Strength and consistency seem to be in low supply for women in this world. We either depend way to heavily on the men in our lives or not at all thus creating a barrier. We also love to let our emotions rule our actions. You do not have to look far in society to see that that is true. The country song He’ll think before He cheats demonstrates it clearer than anything else! I remember when Mark and I were first married. I depended on him for EVERYTHING! Food, shelter, clean clothes and dishes. . .the list goes on and on. In my mind, I cleaned the house from top to bottom on a Saturday and during the week was too tired to be bothered with anything else. I helped with some things some of the time but that was about the most he could depend on me. Which meant he really couldn’t depend on me at all! He was a saint and never said a word really about my lack of involvement in anything outside of work. Not only was I inconsistent, I was weak. The slightest hiccup in our life and I would metaphorically crumble before it. I would doubt God, Mark and myself. I would question the reasons why! I would need Mark to step in and it would be the smallest of things. So when the Lord separated us for two years and three months I was sure I was going to die. It was the biggest thing I had had to deal with all by myself. For everything else in my life there was a fall back plan, this was all me and all alone. God used that time to make me stronger and more consistent in all things. My emotions no longer rule me, but I them. I do what must be done in the day to day, even if I do not feel like it. And though something may be hard or scary, I will face it by myself if necessary and I have many times. God was shaping me into a Proverbs 31 woman before I ever knew it! Pr 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. I have a long way to go to be clothed perfectly, I am sure, but I am not naked anymore, thank God!
So, it seems that while we thought we were moving home for Joshua, we were really moving home for ourselves and our walk together and with the Lord. God is using this time to get us back together as a couple, to shape us as parents and to clean up more of me in this new career!
As parents, Mark and I decided that it was time to take Joshua home. We needed to end our time in the United Kingdom and go back to the US. We really felt that the Lord was calling us home. We were hoping to be able to minister to families in similar situations, torn apart by war. I daydreamed that we were going to minister to parents who had to be apart from their children for awhile, or single parents for a while. I was actually arrogant enough to think that we could just jump right into ministering to others with Mark so freshly returned home!
Living in the UK and not at the deployable unit I was not given any briefings about homecomings. I thought that it was going to be just like it always was, that he would assume his rightful place as the head of my household and it would be like old times, except with a baby! It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get any briefings because even if I had, I would have had to walk this road. It is like I have to start all over again! I have to get to know him again and he, I. We have to start at level 0, not the awesome level we were on when he left originally. When we were first married and he was assuming his roll, I was so happy and excited! He was taking all the things from me that I hated and stressed about! Money, I hate dealing with Money! He took care of the cooking, that is great, once I get home from work I’m too tired to think straight, let alone cook with any coherence. And there were other things too, but we had a very good system for the most part. I had thought that the system would have to change slightly due to a baby but I had no idea the strength with which I would resist his return. Everything became a long drawn out discussion. Mostly him explaining to me why and me spouting back why not. It has been so hard and having Joshua only adds to the pressure. Bit by bit we are working through it, but no briefing would have prepared me for my resistance, I feel like a French woman during the 1700s, resisting everything and everyone especially the king! I spend a lot of time apologizing, not talking and praying! The third takes up most of my time because I cannot do this without His wisdom and assistance! I had become very self centered living on my own.
Which leads me to my second item, dying to self! A more correct term for what I had come to have was selfishness. Everything had to be my way exactly and anything less was unacceptable. In my old career I was the lead of my team, as such I made command decisions, period. As a homemaker, I am not the commander-in-chief of my household. I have so far not dealt with this in the manner I suspect a Proverbs 31 woman would have. Proverbs 31:12 says that the noble wife brings good and not harm to her husband all the days of her life. And already several times in my new career I had considered harm! How is it that my ideas and suggestions are not always followed, sure sometimes they are but in my mind I thought 100% of the time was the best. I could see and I am seeing more and more of the selfishness dying in me and I am so thankful for it. Is it going to hurt? Yep, sacrifice always does but the joy is always worth it. When my husband and son are blessed by an action that took selflessness on my part to do I feel like a million bucks, no, better than that! This selflessness has also been making me stronger and I am sure as selflessness increases so will strength!
Strength and consistency seem to be in low supply for women in this world. We either depend way to heavily on the men in our lives or not at all thus creating a barrier. We also love to let our emotions rule our actions. You do not have to look far in society to see that that is true. The country song He’ll think before He cheats demonstrates it clearer than anything else! I remember when Mark and I were first married. I depended on him for EVERYTHING! Food, shelter, clean clothes and dishes. . .the list goes on and on. In my mind, I cleaned the house from top to bottom on a Saturday and during the week was too tired to be bothered with anything else. I helped with some things some of the time but that was about the most he could depend on me. Which meant he really couldn’t depend on me at all! He was a saint and never said a word really about my lack of involvement in anything outside of work. Not only was I inconsistent, I was weak. The slightest hiccup in our life and I would metaphorically crumble before it. I would doubt God, Mark and myself. I would question the reasons why! I would need Mark to step in and it would be the smallest of things. So when the Lord separated us for two years and three months I was sure I was going to die. It was the biggest thing I had had to deal with all by myself. For everything else in my life there was a fall back plan, this was all me and all alone. God used that time to make me stronger and more consistent in all things. My emotions no longer rule me, but I them. I do what must be done in the day to day, even if I do not feel like it. And though something may be hard or scary, I will face it by myself if necessary and I have many times. God was shaping me into a Proverbs 31 woman before I ever knew it! Pr 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. I have a long way to go to be clothed perfectly, I am sure, but I am not naked anymore, thank God!
So, it seems that while we thought we were moving home for Joshua, we were really moving home for ourselves and our walk together and with the Lord. God is using this time to get us back together as a couple, to shape us as parents and to clean up more of me in this new career!
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